I had a dream

I had a dream, it didn't leave me enlightened or happy. Instead I awoke with a heavy heart.

My baby is precious to me. And I mean seriously precious to the point that I feel it's so unfair that I'll outlive him. Well unless I get into an accident and experience sudden death, it's a 100% that I'll outlive him.

In my dream I was in a car with a friend. One I had a little crush on, a little while back.

We were on our way somewhere. Chatting like usual during the car ride. Next scene, seems like we have arrived at our destination, for a meal, I'm at some eatery with him eating... feels quite old I can't remember what.... noodles perhaps, whatever it was, apparently it tasted good.

And all of a sudden, my little precious is there, and I started was cuddling and coddling him like I usually do, the odd thing was, in the dream, it felt like I've not seen him for so long. My little baby, my little precious.

From the conversation that went on with that lady, she seemed asian in features, with long black hair, and a slim figure... it seems like, I somehow couldn't keep my baby anymore and had passed him to her to take care of.

He seemed well taken care off, looks like how he looks now... I'm not sure if he even misses me, cause he seemed so happy, or it could be he was so happy to see me there?

I was cuddling and coddling him, and the guy I came with said it's time to go... gosh, it felt so life like, so heart wrenching that I woke up. I'm not sure if the guy consoled me after that, I wouldn't know since I've already woken up, and I could wish that he would, but what I would like most is to not be separated by my baby like that. Why couldn't I keep him? Why can't he come with me anymore?

In the dream apparently it seemed like my baby was in a very far off place, and that was my first time visiting him after giving him up, and it seemed like, it won't be easy for me to visit him again. Is that a premonition? I hope not. It felt bad, cause that's the first thing that I thought off. I'm pathethic.

I guess that I should be relieved that he will be well taken care off, but the thought of permanent or long term separation, brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. I know its not healthy, but I know I'm overly attached to him.

Gosh, it's so unfair, I wish he could accompany me for the whole of my life. As naughty as he is, as rebellious as he is, he is, no matter what he is my one and only precious.

Above all, although I know it is a little troublesome to have him, cause it makes it difficult for us to travel, gosh I wish he could travel with us, I want him to have a long life, and that we can get more cuddles and kisses together.

Baby, mommy really, really loves you. You better remember the promise that we made, well although I'm not really sure whether you agreed on your part, whether by my own imagination or my own wish, it looked like you did though, so please stick with it.

You are not allowed to sneakily leave me like that, I won't be able to accept it when you leave me, but I think it will be harder for me to accept if you leave me, without me being there.

It's my greedy wish, and this may sound like blackmail, but if you love me as much as I do, please give in to this selfish request of your mother.

You are the only one I can say "I love you" to and don't feel embarassed and shy, you are my pride and my joy, just looking at you ligthens up a bad day and places a smile on my face, my silver lining in my dark grey clouds.

As happy as you are to see me, I'm that happy or even happier than that too.


much love,
あなたのお母さん
－ケイ－

P/s: I guess this is the reason why I'm so scared to love, cause it seems that when I love, I get in too deep. Eventhough this is motherly love, but still. I dont' think I love my own family as much as I love my little precious. I'm genuinely happy when I see my baby, but when I see relatives, I'm like... "erghh"... oh well

seriously mom?? back off

seriously mom?? just lay off okay? who cares what i do with my money??? who cares if i want to spend money on facials or manicure or pedicure???? it's my money, i have money to spare. it's not like i'm broke or whatever, it's not like i'm using your money????

in fact, you are the one using my money.. well since its so much of a waste of money, then don't follow me for facials, that is a even more waste of my money isnt' it? since i'm not spending it on myself, but on someone else..

or why not i don't pay you any allowance?? that's a waste of money too right? i could save that few hundred dollars every month, if i don't have to pay you anything. right??

you want to bark? you go bark up the right tree okay, leave me alone, stop barking up the wrong tree, it's fucking irritating me. it doesn't help that i think i'm PMS-ing now... so seriously just lay off, it's getting very hard to control my words......

arghhh.... so fucking pissed off... like seriously?? what is your fucking problem???????

erghhhhhhhhh

-ケイ-

Speechless

Humans are amazing.

It's interesting how they can misconstrue your laments into bragging. Humility bragging they call it.

Well I think one fine day. When and if you humans have to unfortunately go through what the complainant when trough.

Then you will understand that it is not bragging at all, but complaining. Plain and simple complaining.

See that's the reason why people find it so hard to share their problems. If you share it with someone who has never been or is not in your position they will think you are bragging.

Cause in their mindset, you are of a certain level, what on earth are you complaining about.

The reverse is not true though. You on the other hand are expected to listen and understand that person when they complain.

And theirs isn't bragging but complaining. Humans just love to complicate matters in their favour.

I rest my case.

-ケイ-

End of 2011 - the good? More bad than good in my opinion

With the end of 2011 and the start of 2012 we see so many people posting on their Facebook, twitter etc that they are thankful for 2011 and are sure that 2012 will have more to offer.

Optimists? Or just merely posting cause everyone else is posting? Or did they really have such a good year i.e. lucky?

I guess for some they have been really lucky, some of them worked for it. If you asked me? I don't have much to say that would be good for 2011. So being thankful for 2011? I'm not sure.

My team, being my boss and senior left for another firm, leaving me alone to handle all the work load. A one man show literally.

Not knowing how to do all the work and with no guidance I had to struggle through. Resulting in a gastric ulcer. Waking up at about 3-4 am cause it was so painful. Realising that I was clenching my fists as I woke up. Not able to get proper rest.

Can't take leave or even medical leave in peace. There is a reason why the doctors gave me the day off! But no! Still had to call or text me to do work. When I'm on leave I'm working longer hours than I work in the office, or at least 4 to 5 hours a day. Cause i don't waste time traveling...What is the point of taking leave??

I was also forced to work a lot of weekends. Both at the client place and at home. More at the latter. Full time working... The only plus point about work, if you could call it that, is that I learnt a lot in a short span.

I'm probably quite valuable in the market now... But that would mean I could get all the same shit where ever I go now. Capable people really suffer at the workplace.

Even though the bosses know I have a gastric problem they still gave me so much work... Sigh. Overall work this whole year is bad!!

Friends wise, I'm not any happier being still stuck with that bunch of people. Although I do have some good friends. So, friend department wise I guess there is a plus and minus.

Tried making new friends, but with the work hours I have, what social life??

Also with the long hours, my colleagues are my friends now, and you know what they say bout colleagues being friends.

Some are ok to work with, others whether on purpose or not, act incapable and indirectly beg you to do the work. And also one has to be careful to ensure that no unwanted news ends up where it shouldn't.

I think that there is also a bit of fear on their end that the bosses may hear things from me as I'm in their good books....

On the love front.. This year there is nothing to talk about. I work with a majority of women. The only men I meet are either not available, or too old, or well not mature enough for me.

There was one as can be seen from my earlier posts, but we all know how it turned out...

Family, well what is there to say, I'm currently the only one staying with my parents as my siblings are both residents overseas.

One came back for Chinese new year and as usual every year pissed me off. My parents sided with him, cause apparently he only comes back once a year, so I should be more patient.

Load of bullocks, so should I move out too and come back once a year? There is a limit to patience, and where he is clearly in the wrong, you do not scold me!

Anytime his stupid precious son is mentioned. Even if I'm talking bout something else, I'll get scolded. Honestly, if my brother decides to move back home, I'm going to move out. Can't stand living in the same house with they prick and the old man blindly siding with they ass!

Also at the end of the year my sister came back, well she's still here.... So its more like is back lol for christmas and new year, well and I'm closer to her. We had a few disagreements but it's still better to have her around than my brother.

So family wise, same as usual.... No plus or minus actually. Well actually minus cause I've an asshole for a brother, and a dad that blindly sides with him. And people wonder why I don't talk to my brother.

Extended family? Well my cousins were nice enough to bring me out, cause I was stressed and overworked, depressed and unhappy. Also not very willing to go out with the people who call themselves friends but don't act like one. So I guess ok on this end...

So overall reading this post do I have to be thankful for 2011? I'm a realist, not my problem if you see me as a pessimist.

But all I'll say bout 2011 is that I'm neither going to thank it or cuss at it. But I do hope my 2012 will be better, everything else being the same... Hopefully better. At least let my love department improve please....

Thank you very much, and a happy new year!!

Enter the water dragon!!!

-ケイ-

Point taken

I find it incredibly rude and a turn off that you ignore my messages and do not reply. I know that you may be busy, and well busy as i am, i do try to reply messages as best as possible and not ignore them!

Forgetting once in a while I understand, or taking forever to reply, i understand.... but all my messages being ignored? I think that is a bit too much....

Well, what are we anyway? Not even close friends, right? Nothing between us, just normal friends who may see each other once in a while, so i guess that's how its going to be from now on and in the future.

But anyway, as bad as it is, and I'm not sure if I'm as bad as you are, but admittedly, I do that to people I don't want to talk to as well.. Point taken..... Thank you for reading


-ケイ-

Lonely

Feels kind of lonely here, cause its like no one reads or provide feedback haha.

But I guess that's how it is since I'm just writing bout my daily life, nothing interesting like food or places.

It's a bit lonely, but based on experience, it's this anonymity that gives me the freedom to write like this.

Previously I had a blog which I had made known to my friends, and even colleague's found it. In the end, even though I said that, it's my blog and l write what I want.

I had to control what I posted, and had to censor stuff. I could not properly vent my anger, had to look out for people's feelings. Some people misconstrued what I wrote, though I never mentioned names. They thought I was talking about them...

Well they have saying that if you did it, you'd feel it. Well in this case said person did not do it though. Don't know what's their problem.

My blog even got involved in office politics. I really felt like, why couldn't these people mind their own
Business??

If I wanted you to read my blog, I would have given you the link. You don't need to google my blog.

But anyway that is in the past. Life has moved on. So that's it....

Good night world
-ケイ-

Just the other day

The other day, when I was saying that I was going to let you go? I dreamt I was on a plain, and there was a beautiful white wolf there who tossed me on her back and ran, don't ask me how, I just knew her gender.

Anyway, she tossed me on her back, and I recall being comfortable. With wind rushing past me. And i was Holding on, more like hugging her neck of soft fluffy fur. I felt the warmth, the wonder of it all.

According to the dream dictionary, she was 'survival' and by me embracing her, I chose survival? Or something along those lines.

I did feel a bit better after that, not too emotional. Although every time my phone rings, I catch myself hoping that it's you...

Guess I've still got a bit of a way to go before I can fully let go. But I believe that life moves on and I'll get there! Guess that's why 'survival' came out...

I'm a survivor! I'll survive!

-ケイ-

May I?

May I profile you? Well it's not something that I really need your permission for I suppose since I always end up Profiling people whether I like to or not.

But in the short time that we have known each other. And the short time we have hung out together here is what I see.

You are independent and somewhat reliable. Kind, Considerate and ever conscious of other's need. Probably should thank your parents for that.

Suspected and confirmed that you are the eldest, since you are good at taking care of people.

Somewhat.... Reliable in that sense, that if I had a problem, you would do your best to help. In that sense, a person that has you as a good friend is really lucky. But you aren't the type who would take being taken advantage for. You believe in give and take.

Thrifty, do not like to be in debt/servicing one. Probably has to do with your line of work. But it's more to something you picked up in life as well. Realistic in that sense.

Stubborn yet realistic. If you think something is worth fighting for, or realistically achievable you would put in your all, and actually expect returns. If you expect not to get returns. You won't start. Prudent investing!

Adaptable, you adapt according to the environment and people. And you adapt well, knowing how to control your mannerism and character. I would say that you are capable of being the next Ted Bundy, lol.

You are also somewhat shy around people, not exactly the extrovert. But you do try to not be the introvert. Not a social butterfly, but capable enough to hold yourself in a social/business setting. Open enough, yet knows what information should not be shared. You are probably hating me for profiling you in public now, lol.

Hardworking, again in the sense you are the type that expects returns on your investment. Basically, If you put in the effort, you expect results. Results orientated.

Patient but not that patient. Life has taught you to be mature since you had to take care of yourself. Previously, you were, what I'd term as mildly rebellious. But now you've matured and understand that life is not a bed of roses.

Probably didn't have the best self esteem before this, but with a supporting and loving family, and probably friends, (but I suspect friends are so-so only) you did well. Your self esteem is still fragile but better than last time.

That brings us to another point. You are quite closely knit with your family. Therefore, family is important to you. Having company, people you can associate and wind down is important to you.

I could go on, but I already feel lazy and that this is pointless. So I guess that's it.....


-ケイ-

Happy thanksgiving!!

A happy thanksgiving to all!! And especially my cousin who graciously hosted this year's thanksgiving again!!

As usual the food was fabulous! (it was worth the travel ;p)

Much love,
-ケイ-

Stop

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.^[1]

suddenly felt very LOTR-ish.. don't ask me why... i blame my colleague, it started when he started playing LOTR's OST on youtube in the office.. and then suddenly i felt like watching the whole damn thing again, singing its songs again etc etc... aiiii

****

stop, stop, stop, stop....

just stop.. sigh... although today i feel a little better since i went into the office. it is true, work keeps your mind off things... i still thought of you, but not as much.... why am i even thinking of you?? it's frustrating! you are supposed to be nothing but just a friend!!!

well, guess one just needs to get busy, and keep the mind preoccupied...

i miss my baby.. it's going to be a lonely night...

***
on another note....
Baby, i know you were sleepy last night, but you didn't listen to me when i said that i'd be sending you to your great granny now did you? now you won't eat..? tsk, tsk, naughty boy! sit tight and mummy will see you on Monday ;) lotsa love, muaxz mom


-ケイ-

I miss you

i know i've told myself, over and over again... that i'd stop whatever that was set in motion, but i can't help it. the gears are in motion and i really don't know how to stop it, save from never seeing you again..... which i'm torn about....

because even then, i would still most probably miss you..... i would miss you.. until.. i don't know.... for a certain period of time at least i guess....

from someone which i thought, "Meh, he will just make a good friend", you have turned into someone that i have feelings for. ironic isn't it, turns out you possess a trait that i really like, and i couldn't help noticing it. and i started to think "hey, he's not bad...."... and the gears were set in motion...

everywhere i go, i can't avoid thinking of you - well maybe it's because your company's logo is everywhere lol.. which makes it unfair.. everytime i see it, i think of you...... (then again, even when i don't see that logo, i think of you and miss you.....)

there is this quote that i got from a little book that i've been reading lately, it's called:
The Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson

an interesting quote, which i think is applicable to me now is this:

"Know when to withdraw: There comes a time in every struggle when determination serves no purpose and becomes and end unto itself, knowing when to move on to the next issue is a skill possesed by many calm people"

i feel like i should withdraw, because you seem to be leaning the other way, i bury everything in, and do my best to let this feelings of mine die out...

but when you say things like that, you make me think twice, and whatever i've tried so hard to bury comes out at me again.... you make hope ignite... it's unfair that you have this effect on me.....

The best part is, i don't understand why i miss you..... i just do......

and here i am wistfully and foolishly hoping and wishing that you feel the same way too....

it's times like this, that i hate my life, i hate that it's always so one sided....


-ケイ-

Rumour

In a city where the wind never blows, there is a rumour.....


When the wind blows, it is to carry someone away.

Recently I read a manga with that tag line. It's a beautiful but somewhat selfish story.

Telling someone to live while you die.. Why can't you live together. I know happy endings only happen in perfect stories, which in turn does not exist...

But it's just plain selfish

To me, don't tell me to go on living without you, especially if you are going to commit suicide.

But that's just my personal take... Others might see it as romantic

-ケイ-

Giving up

Giving up is like admitting defeat. But you need to know when to let go to avoid hurting yourself or making a fool of yourself. Some may call it a tool to protect one's own fragile mind, but there is no denying that it is what it is. Defeat. Although you could say sometimes that it is an honorable defeat? When you know you have to let go, and you actually do let go. Suffer the pain, and quietly lick your wounds.

Giving up..... Its basically Self Preservation ("SP"). Such is life. I have recently reverted into the SP stage, and I begin to somewhat understand why I am such a workaholic. At least work in some sense pays off. If not monetary wise. At least in some ways job satisfaction wise. I feel. And it is an excuse that people don't often question. A good escape?

My SP is the typical escape of somewhat immersing myself in work. While I am concentrating on something. I do not have the time to think about something else. It's a pathetic attempt to avoid reality. But in some sense it is a profitable one, if you get my drift.

At times I wonder why I've to enter this SP stage, and I know. Cause life is no box of chocolates. Neither am I so lucky. So time and time again, I go through this tribulation.

It's tiring and I wonder, when will I give up on that too....

-ケイ-

これは薆ですか？

私は誰？ 誰か私の事を好きですか？

答えは考えましたです。。。じゃ答えは？ ないです。。。この人生は本当に悲しいって。。。

I have thought of it, many times... And still no answer presents itself.

It's no point denying, so I'll admit it. I feel lonely and would like a partner. Yet when a so called prospect comes along. I feel nothing but disdain, my likelihood of rejecting that prospect is very high.

Maybe it's because i live in both spectrum. And maybe more. And maybe its because of this that i tend to understand the workings of the mind, i cannot help, but feel distrustful.

Fact is, that is not the only problem, I understand that I have a very huge pride, and that I'm egotistical. I don't think anyone is good enough. Nor do I trust anyone.

I don't know if it's because of the way I grew up, or if it is my views of earth and it's inhabitants, or the fact that I am actually very afraid to feel pain, or if it's my refusal to take risks.

I know that if i loved. I would love completely. And that I would get very hurt, if it doesn't work out. It is inevitable when it comes to love, i understand that very well, and as people have said, if I don't put myself out there I will never know. I'll just keep waiting for the so called right one that does not exist. The one that will never hurt me, does not exist. Yet I cannot help my tendency to reject....

I understand there is no perfect one or right one. There is only the almost perfect or right one, and they are only so, because you made them so.

I'm cynical, and I view the world with suspicious eyes. Finding it difficult to trust humans, or wanting to enjoy their company for an extended duration of time.

I guess there is no choice but to continue threading this lonely path. Sigh....

-ケイ-

Six months

The post "left behind" was typed up somewhere in may. I never had the time to complete it. But when I thought of writing this post. I saw the draft. And went "ah, what the heck. Let's just complete it". That's the reason why it actually seems so abrupt.

Soo.... It's been six months since the last actual post. Where I was feeling down. Life has moved on since then. I think I'm doing ok. Still a lot of work. No time. To think of other things. For a brief while something else entered the picture. But awkwardness is the master mind. We will just leave it as it is.

left behind

i recently went to china for a holiday with my family, well not the whole family, but my parents, and well..... this sounds silly, but i felt like i left my heart or part of my heart behind..

I think it's kind of silly. Seeing that I had only spent such a short time there. About a week. And well now about half a year later it's as if like it was all a dream. Guess such is life. It moves on.


-ケイ-

Flying solo

It's been a long, long while since my last post..... i've always meant to post earlier, but, well.. i was always too tired, and just didn't have the time....procrastinated... even today i'm really tired... everyday i've to work late to finish my work... i'm always one of the last one to have to lock up the office... life was really getting mundane...

and my pursuit for happiness.... well sometimes i think that i just don't want to be happy and just want to wallow away in my unhappiness by my own... but by doing so, people around me, get upset.. so i've no choice but to put on a mask and smile...

but anyway, i was saying that i've been quite lazy to write lately....

じゃ今日は何が別？
今日はね、私の上司の事務所に最後の日 だって

えとう〜悲しいかな私？たぶんな。。少し（笑）でも私は大丈夫です - life goes on.
冷たい人間じゃないよ、ただ，もう知ってるだけ、この日が来る。。

始めては知ってるの時は，私本当に本当に悲しいくって。ちょっと泣いたでも今は、私もういいです。

The month of April is a month of goodbyes for me, 私の上司と先輩は辞任だからね。だから私は今に一人です。　

一人で飛べね　（笑）
もう疲れた寝る　―おやすみなさい

-ケイ-

そうですか？

A friend of mine seemed down with work, as she thinks she can't live up to the expectations of the corporate world. So to try to cheer her up, i searched for some inspirational quotes online...

Whilst browsing, I found a quote which reads something along the lines that a true write is someone who wants to right, and needs to write…

Somehow I feel its true, but I don’t know if it applies to me.

There have been many times when I wish to write, to vent out my feelings, but due to the blog readership, it doesn’t seem very nice to vent out my anger there, seeing that some of the people that read my blog are sensitive creatures who would likely take offence.

I care to much about others feelings more than myself. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite the altruist.. but I doubt that people realise or appreciate that.

Most of the time I profess myself to be quite good at reading people, knowing what to say and to give wise advise, but when it comes to the so called friends, especially those that irk me, I cannot say out loud what it is that annoys me so much that I would like to not see them anymore or hang out with them anymore. (or for a duration of time)

Unfortunately because I decipher their personality to be sensitive, fragile and somewhat revengeful, I cannot open my mouth, for fear that once they take offence they shall spread words against me.

Basically I don’t trust them; I don’t think they are mature enough. Yet I cannot also write about my anger, because it is this same people that will read what I write. The very same people who have angered me.

But I am a very angry person, I’ve kept in far too much for far too long. Studies, work, friends, family etc, I’ve kept a lot of my resentment and anger in. I've suffered in silence for years...

Well studies not so much, since I’m quite a lax student. Sure there are times that the lecturer pisses you off so badly, but hey after graduation, it is good riddance isn’t it?

Work place stress, is always there…. Clients thinking that you are god, or that you have 5 heads and 7 pairs of hands to do all their work in one shot… friends as I’ve mentioned… as can be seen, its quite obvious I’ve been questioning myself if I actually really have any friends?

My conclusion is that I do, but I can’t rely on those that I consider friends, cause they have their own problems… I don’t feel like burdening them with my problems, and further, due to jealous girlfriends or what not, I'm most often or not treated as if I'm some sort of mistress by my friends.

(it is a somewhat an unfortunate fact that most of my friends are boys, since they are not very revengeful and do not take offence so easily, I find it easier to befriend the male species.)

Honestly there are times I get annoyed when the friend comes looking for me. I’m selfish in that way I guess.

But I’ve friends who don’t look for me at all. Its sad to be forgotten. Then there are people that one has to call friends, but who do not have the qualities of friends. Or rather, to be more kind, it would be what we term as fair weather friends.

Friends that don’t appreciate nor understand you. Many a time someone would say back to you, well have you looked at yourself?

I have, many times, I have toned down my character, I try my best to appreciate them and show that I care, not to say that I expect anything back in return, but its tiring, when people only look for you when they want you to organise something, or they are in trouble and need you to bail them out, because they for a fact that I will bail them out or do whatever that is best within my powers to help them out.

They don’t look for you, or ask you out for a drink, just because they miss you and want to catch up. Nope, it’s cause they want you to do something for them. Those are my friends.

To my friends I am a user, they don’t see my effort put into planning things like organising movies, or nights out for them, or that I listen to them and give advice to them when they need and seek it, or when they are in trouble, to help out in whatever way I can.

Nope, to them I’m a user. It doesn’t matter that I care for their well being. Doesn’t matter. Those are my friends…

I consider myself a loner without friends because of people like that. They hang out without telling me or inviting me. I don’t think friends leave friends out of the loop.

Well, I’ve decided to be a revengeful little bitch now. I don’t care if I go to hell or I end up sad and alone or whatever.. I already am. So it doesn’t matter to me.

Yes, I know, I’ve a lot of cooped up anger. But without any positive outlet to release it, what do you expect.

So see, I’ve work stress, and stress from friends.

Ah there is another story of a friend who is (present tense, cause he's definitely still being one) being a total jackass, that one has also cause me to harbour a lot of anger. I did write a bout that, but it is too specific, (see??!! in the end I still care for other's image, well being and feelings) so I had to ensure that it was posted where I can chose who can read it.

apologies, but see, even after what that so called friend has done, I’m still being nice. I really shouldn’t, but it’s not really in me to be such a bitch, although I always talk about being one.

Then there’s family stress. I’ve a brother who can be a total pain in the ass, who thinks I’m still 12 years old or something, and only looks for me when he wants something. Look once and he’s playing a prank and what not, look the second time and he’s pissed at you cause you reciprocated to that prank. Or because you got pissed at his prank, then suddenly everything is now your fault, why didn't you give in to your brother.... (what the fuck? this happened this year mind you, its not some old sibling feud, turned out everything is my fault in the end.. how nice of my family members, is it because I haven't a dick, so it's my fault?)

Just recently I told him to stop posting where he’s been on a popular social networking site, to which he replied that it’s his freedom what he does, (in what can be considered a joking manner), so I joked back, okay, it’s your call.

A cousin butted in and said that we were fighting, to which I responded that we were not, and to which my brother replied, someone needs a dictionary. Later a number of birthday wishes for my brother appeared on that link, because it seems that otherwise people could not post their birthday wishes.

Since our conversation started there, I just continued there, who needs a dictionary. Next thing I know he PMs me telling me to be more sensitive and that everyone can read that message, and it confuses them since they don’t know what’s going on. And that if I don’t want to receive anymore notifications of where he has been then I should disable it. I should be sensitive to the other posters, and he deleted all earlier comments.

I totally went, what the fuck? And just went, okay, I shall not message you anymore in public then, to which he replied whatever.

So go figure, I have such a brother, who is actually my older brother, by the way, I failed to mention it earlier didn't I. He is my older brother but one that requires me to check his grammar for his university assignments, oh during then he’s nice to me. Even though I had to sacrifice my sleeping and working time to do it for him, I still did it. and he treats me like this. Sigh.. Go figure bro…

Then there are my parents.. well yea, who doesn’t have problem with their parents. Always nagging you to clean your room, do the dishes etc etc

The list goes on and on… Yeap, that’s what my parents do as well, I’m already stressed out and I come home to this kind of crap. Yay, go figure.

My dad is the worse though, he’s like the king, he can do whatever and get away with it, but if you did the same thing, you will get a earful, it's off with your head!

He can scold me about not knowing the time, and that he’s rushing to leave the house, when actually he’s the one that usually pisses me and sometimes my mom off as well, cause he’s actually the one that can’t keep the time. As long as it’s not his matter or problem (cause let’s say you are the one rushing to go out) he will take his own sweet time.

If he forgets to turn off the lights its okay, but if you forget it’s so bad, it’s like somebody died…

He thinks that life in the private sector is all peachy, he used to bug me as to why I’m always coming home late from work. I actually got scolded for working late.. wow... isn't it great? Like hello? You think I like staying in that god forsaken dingy place that is called my office? I’d like to come home early as well you know. After a few times of me saying that, (plus some backing up from my mom) then only did he stop saying unreasonable and insensitive stuff like that.

He calls me self centred, but I think he’s more self centred than I am. I used to take it all lying down, but lately I’ve taken to giving him a piece of my mind back and then he complains that I fight back, and talk too much... Well, I've enough of the shit, so I'm just fighting back... now you've just realised I don't take shit, good for you.

Everything he does is right, he doesn’t listen to other people. When I said this isn’t the problem that is, he’s like no, you listen to my solution.. Which is not related to the problem. Yay go figure.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I think my siblings are lucky cause they don’t stay at home to face all this crap. I’m really tempted to move out and get my own place at this rate.

Sure I won’t have any savings left, and I will be on my own. But it’s way better than all this nagging and insensitive remarks. Plus, I'm already lonely it makes no difference, and since my parents are dying for me to be independent, isn't that a win-win situation?

(they nag, that when I'm on my own I take care of myself, but I depend on them when I'm with them.... which is actually true, I'm capable of looking after myself actually. Just that I don't see the point now - believe it or not, my goal is to not live so long in this world haha)

Best part, is unlike some people who have friends or certain relatives that they can go to vent out all this matters, I have no one. So I keep it all in. Till it boils and mixes together. Till I’m not sure what exactly has made me such an angry and depressed person. But I do know for sure that its all of these combined together… with no outlet. With no one to understand me.

Yeah, some people will say, why don't you talk to your mom? ermm, my mom well, first off she's not a very good listener, and her advice? Well, I'm sorry, but I give better advise than that. heck.. there are times I can’t even stand my own mom, she seems immature sometimes.. sad isn't it, that the child thinks in such manner.

there was once my family was arguing with each other, my mom cried almost everyday, my dad was sullen everyday, my pain in the ass brother was so sweet with his words and my sister was crying as well. in the end, I couldn't stand it, and scolded everyone. and while scolding, I actually told them, aren't you ashamed that the youngest in this family has to tell all of you to wake up??!

I was having exams around that time, and obviously being quite attached to family, I found it hard to concentrate, the aura at home seems black everyday, heavy, pressing and very depressing...

yes, no doubt I'm a last minute worker when it comes to my studies, but this has really harmed me. I've always been a last minute worker and this is the first time that I failed one of my papers and it's my fault. That's sweet mom, very sweet. Thank you. (it was after that, that I lashed out at the whole family - after that peace was restored - I'm not praising myself, these are just merely the facts which I need to state)

Its true as my boss had said I’m precocious. That’s why I can’t exactly connect with my friends (who are peers) and sometimes relatives, as I think far ahead..

This is one thing I don’t know how to overcome, I can’t just be childish, and I really do not think of matters till they crop up, and neither do I keep thinking of it once it is out of sight. But I just can’t find someone I can connect with.

That’s my life, that’s why I’m such an angry person.

That’s why I stopped writing so long ago, stopped venting my real feelings so long ago. Started wearing a mask so much, that now, I cannot remove it without removing my own skin. That’s me.

At one point I was so depressed I was suicidal and angry, wanting to destroy things or to kill myself. I think my family has to thank the stars, the skies, the gods whatever, that I’m precocious and too rational for my own good.

I’ve reached the stage where I don’t care i.e. apathetic so yes, am not that suicidal or destructive. But it’s a thin line I’m walking. Will I ever find someone that I can connect with ever in this world? I don’t know. And I’m trying to keep up my search and not give up hope…

But I’m also doing my best to not dream too far and to lose sight of who I am.

I'm still trying to get out of this shit hole, and not make it any deeper than it already is.

I'm still looking for my silver lining in the clouds, and I think it's good that I'm still looking, at least I've not given up yet.

「ケイ」

what are friends?

often or not, I've been thinking, what are friends?

what are they for? most people will say that they the people who are there for you when you need someone the most.......

at one point i used to believe that they were the siblings that god forgot to give me.

then i realised, even my own siblings had their own lives to live and couldn't spend every moment with me. or couldn't come running whenever i had a problem and i had to sort it out myself. what more friends?

i respected that, i didn't want to enroach on to that.

but whenever they had problems they would come to me for solace and advise, when i needed a listening ear, they gave me no advise nor solace. not that i expected any in return, but it would have been good if someone would listen.

so not only did i have to take care of myself, but of other people, who didn't give two hoots about me... sigh....

because i smiled and laughed a lot, they always thought that i had no problems, even when i spoke of my problems, they would listen for a bit then start on their own problems....

that was when i learnt, people, no matter who they are, thinks that their problem is the biggest in the world. they are only interested in themselves, selfish you could say, but all humans have a degree of their selfishness...

i seemed to lack this, until i realise that friends were using the words "oh i know..... if you had time, you would have surely listened to me". i was like.. what??? was that supposed to be some guilt factor trick?

you never answered my calls to go out, or to hang out, and when you have problems that you need advise, you say that to me when I'm busy. and with work of all things.

i don't know if that's what you can call a friend....am i supposed to feel guilty in such a case???

while i was ill, in university, in a foreign land, dizzy with a headache, the people that went with me to that foreign land, the "friends", well, they said they weren't feeling well either, so the 3 of us went to the doctor which was at the other end of the university. we found out that we had to set an appointment which wasn't due for another hour, their illness being not so bad, they went back to the halls of residence, leaving me there alone...

luckily i had a friend who stayed near the clinic, and he let me use his room to rest... and after seeing the doctor, sick and dizzy as i was, i had to go back alone to my hall.... it was quite a distant.. my brother from another distant foreign land called to check on me.... nothing beats family...

but you know, when you are in a foreign land, friends are supposed to be your "family", guess i thought wrongly, or was too idealistic, i realised it quick enough though...

when one of those 2 same friends fell sick, i got bread and soup for her, fruits and medicine for her...... again, at that time i wasn't expecting anything, but i don't know... if that's what you can call a friend... i expected them to be at least independent.. but.... eventhough they were the eldest in their family, my expectation of them, on how to look after themselves and other people was too high. (I'm the youngest in my family by the way)

one of the same friend together with a different friend, not to long ago caused me to fall down a small flight of stairs. on my already previously injured ankle (it was a torn ligament), this fall resulted in tearing the ligament again.

given that it was an accident i didn't blame them, but the next day they pissed me off, they walked so far in front at the shopping mall, and when it was time to get the car, they didn't have the sense to ask me to wait at the entrance while they fetched the car, instead they suggested putting me in a shopping cart and pushing me to the car. the same other friend, recently asked me, how i injured my ankle...

when my boss asked me to claim for medical fees from these people, i told him its impossible, when i told friend 1 from foreign land that i went to see the doctor for my ankle, that friend didn't even bother to ask about fees, just asked how it was, and talked bout something else....

and upon the both of them finding out that it is a permanent injury, they again walked so far in front (with friend number 2 from foreign land) leaving me limping at the back. luckily i had another friend willing to walk with me slowly behind at both instances. (both were different friends)

so are those 3 what we call friends? i don't know.

the best of all, will require one post for himself...

but that said, i have some people i can call friends, although i guess they are all physically distant from me... is it the distance? and the minimal contact with me? that makes them the better listener? or that it makes them seem more caring?

even then, only one, seems to be there, the rest who are overseas don't even talk to me online, unless there is something, but when they do come back home, they do look me up to hang out.

and if i were to message them, i guess they would be there to listen.... but i don't know, even if i needed them, they can't be with me, cause of where they are... i guess you can call them friends, but, if they don't talk to me unless i talk to them... is that what i can call a friend? i don't know...

what are friends? what does it mean to be a friend? to always be there for people who won't be there for you?

all i want are just a few good friends, who will look me up, just to chat, share secrets, talk about life, gossip, laugh, have fun, share tears, share burdens, give each other sound advise, or just to sincerely listen....

that said.. i think i have two such friends... (though they are busy with their life, they still keep track of me, one used to call me every few months, according to him, its to check if i'm still alive haha, though now that he has a son, i understand he no longer has time for me.. the other.. is still okay, i can gripe to him about anything and he listens ever so patiently...) thank you to the both of them!

there is a silver lining in every cloud...

-ケイ-

It came, and went...

The Third of October

Like the summer rain fall,
It came without a call.

The third of October,
With autumn leaves a-flutter,
It was a day to remember.

Like a dream from many years,
the sands of time flowed,
your voice resonates against my ears,
an echo that could not be curbed,

but fate has decided
she shall play her card,
our paths once joined,
were easily removed,
the time spent was short,
but it is a memory,
I will readily carry.

though i think of you,
only on days when the rain falls,
when the sun refuses to shine through the clouds,
a small smile will play on my face,
as the world moves slowly at my pace.

i have grown through those years,
learnt to cherish what is dear,
and i shall sit here again next year,
by the window to watch the flowers,

and think fondly again of those days,
like a child handling a precious toy,
storing it away once more,
for this time again next year.

お誕生日おめでと劍さん

-夢見慧-