I had a dream

I had a dream, it didn't leave me enlightened or happy. Instead I awoke with a heavy heart.

My baby is precious to me. And I mean seriously precious to the point that I feel it's so unfair that I'll outlive him. Well unless I get into an accident and experience sudden death, it's a 100% that I'll outlive him.

In my dream I was in a car with a friend. One I had a little crush on, a little while back.

We were on our way somewhere. Chatting like usual during the car ride. Next scene, seems like we have arrived at our destination, for a meal, I'm at some eatery with him eating... feels quite old I can't remember what.... noodles perhaps, whatever it was, apparently it tasted good.

And all of a sudden, my little precious is there, and I started was cuddling and coddling him like I usually do, the odd thing was, in the dream, it felt like I've not seen him for so long. My little baby, my little precious.

From the conversation that went on with that lady, she seemed asian in features, with long black hair, and a slim figure... it seems like, I somehow couldn't keep my baby anymore and had passed him to her to take care of.

He seemed well taken care off, looks like how he looks now... I'm not sure if he even misses me, cause he seemed so happy, or it could be he was so happy to see me there?

I was cuddling and coddling him, and the guy I came with said it's time to go... gosh, it felt so life like, so heart wrenching that I woke up. I'm not sure if the guy consoled me after that, I wouldn't know since I've already woken up, and I could wish that he would, but what I would like most is to not be separated by my baby like that. Why couldn't I keep him? Why can't he come with me anymore?

In the dream apparently it seemed like my baby was in a very far off place, and that was my first time visiting him after giving him up, and it seemed like, it won't be easy for me to visit him again. Is that a premonition? I hope not. It felt bad, cause that's the first thing that I thought off. I'm pathethic.

I guess that I should be relieved that he will be well taken care off, but the thought of permanent or long term separation, brings tears to my eyes even as I type this. I know its not healthy, but I know I'm overly attached to him.

Gosh, it's so unfair, I wish he could accompany me for the whole of my life. As naughty as he is, as rebellious as he is, he is, no matter what he is my one and only precious.

Above all, although I know it is a little troublesome to have him, cause it makes it difficult for us to travel, gosh I wish he could travel with us, I want him to have a long life, and that we can get more cuddles and kisses together.

Baby, mommy really, really loves you. You better remember the promise that we made, well although I'm not really sure whether you agreed on your part, whether by my own imagination or my own wish, it looked like you did though, so please stick with it.

You are not allowed to sneakily leave me like that, I won't be able to accept it when you leave me, but I think it will be harder for me to accept if you leave me, without me being there.

It's my greedy wish, and this may sound like blackmail, but if you love me as much as I do, please give in to this selfish request of your mother.

You are the only one I can say "I love you" to and don't feel embarassed and shy, you are my pride and my joy, just looking at you ligthens up a bad day and places a smile on my face, my silver lining in my dark grey clouds.

As happy as you are to see me, I'm that happy or even happier than that too.


much love,
あなたのお母さん
－ケイ－

P/s: I guess this is the reason why I'm so scared to love, cause it seems that when I love, I get in too deep. Eventhough this is motherly love, but still. I dont' think I love my own family as much as I love my little precious. I'm genuinely happy when I see my baby, but when I see relatives, I'm like... "erghh"... oh well