sad... much? maybe just alone....

i work and work, and i'm stressed.. sometimes the bosses gives me shit. .sometimes the client gives me shit, sometimes my colleagues gives me shit.... i don't like to work late, but with no one to teach me, i'm basically surviving on my own, learning how to live.. when i come home i'm tired.... and my parents nag..... or during the weekend when i just want to rest.. they nag...

there is a reason why i don't like female friends, jealous people they are.... and well.. how would i put it... mine so happens to be conniving, braggy/show off, unappreciative, selfish, self-centered, insensitive etc... although not all are like that... but the ones that i usually have to go out with is like that... always expecting me to show them the easy way out, but never bothering to help back in return.. take and take and take... bitches who don't know how to give back?

the thing about male friends? well if they don't expect anything save for friendship from you, they can be great.. but they are just not sensitive enough like girls would be...  but hey, since my girl friends are already insensitive, what's the difference right? but again... they are not so interested in your life.. and ranting to them.. is a waste of time, cause apparently they don't rant.. (trust me they do - i've to listen to them, but they won't listen to mine.) they let their frustrations go in other manners..... so i can say, i don't really have that many friends..that i can talk to... or really trust


i know i'm not the easiest person to please, but hey.. some of my friends are really nice. and i try to be there as much as they are there for me.

but it annoys the hell out of me that they won't organise the outings or anything, and i'm the only one that ALWAYS has to do it... what do you take me as? it's not to say that i like doing it, excuses like you are good at it, is total bull shit.. it's whether you put the effort into it...

well if you don't want to put the effort in, then nothing goes on.. my high school mates are like this, some of my legal friends are like this... i don't like organising anymore.. it's an unappreciated job, that people take for granted for.

family... all they have for me is complains and more complains.. they never see my good side... all i am is bad...  just because i take it all quietly...

i don't think if anyone can blame me for having trust issues with humans.. i don't trust humans enough to invest more than i have into them... all they do is continuously use me.. i've to listen to them and give advice,, but no one listens to me or gives me advise... why.. oh well.. since you are so good in giving advise... you should know how to sort your problem out...

but you are always laughing.. i thought there wasn't any problem..


hello?? dim wits and retards... just because i've to act strong all the while, doesn't mean that i enjoy doing it.. i do it, because all you assholes out there are not reliable. but i'm tired.. i am so very tired, that i just want to lie down and sleep and never wake up.. that's how i feel.

and maybe that's why during my surgery in January i stopped breathing. i don't know if it's a dream or something else as i was under anaesthesia, but it's not my first time being put under the drug, and i know how it feels.

the doctors had to wake me up and ask me to breath. it could be because i've a gastroesophageal reflux diseases courtesy of my gastric, which in turn is a souvenir from my work, they put a tube down my throat.. but hey...  with all honesty i went in not really wanting to live either.. so yea

i've not felt truly happy in years.. i have days, where i'm so called "happy" because maybe i so happened to go out with a bunch of people who made me feel for those few hours that mattered that i'm still alive.. or maybe i heard a good joke...

but yea.... i don't see life as worth living anymore, honestly. but i struggle with it everyday, and tell myself to live another day...

i don't know what i'm doing, or where to go... as i've said before, i just live by society's expectations...

i study, i get a degree, i work.. then? get a boyfriend, settle down have kids? very funny...

since i don't trust humans.. and i do not like men in that sense... (i'm not lesbo or anything) i just see men (who are not buddies - if you are a buddy, you've been friend zoned) as.. pain in the arses egoistical humans that think with their dicks more than with their brains..

they can say that they love you and all that, then turn tail and go sleep with you best friend.. i'm not saying that women are not like that... women are as horny as men.. but majority of men, seem to be more easily persuaded as compared to women....

i guess we need to blame all those love stories and fairy tales as well.. all the bull shit that we were fed as kids, doesn't help us at all now - we just have unrealistic fantasies....

i don''t what to do from here, and where to go from here... is eternal sleep the best option? i try to tell myself...... no.....

 −「ケイ」−