It's a little late

I just realised that this place has been open since August 2010, and just like the owner it is still as lonely as ever *laughs*

well guess it's also because i hardly have time to come here to write, although i'd like to treat this place like my personal journal, when things are really pissing me off or not going my way, i don't have the time to write about it - and for the past 2 years this place has been left quite stagnant....

i didn't even properly introduce myself when this place first started.... well it may be a little late, but I'm Kei, or well at least that's part of my name, having met with a bunch of nosy and gossipy people previously, i've taken precautions to do my best to stay anonymous. because... well i think i've said it before... but it's amazing how people can just misconstrue what they want, and then talk behind your back after that.

but maybe, i should just tell a little story, as to why this blog came about.....

i initially had another blog, in which i told myself, it's my blog, so i don't give a damn, i will type whatever i want to type and whatever i feel. but in the end i realised that friends and family who are the readers of that blog, would not be able to withstand my crudeness. so in the end, when i were to complain, i wouldn't name the person, but would just complain anonymously, even then, i mellowed down.

and then when i started work 4 years ago, my colleagues being nosy, gossipy little bitches, decided to stalk me, find out about my blog and gossip about things i write there. i had complained about one of those bitches, but the another thought it was her... so stupid, anyway, if you didn't do it, you wouldn't feel it. i had to apologise for no good reason.

after that, i got so busy, i practically stopped blogging. but i realised that when i'm unhappy, the best way i express myself is still by writing.

although i dont' have the time for it, i would rant it out in my own brain when i'm alone... but in the end i still prefer writing, so i started a new blog to be of an anonymous nature (i just started the new blog, whether i had time to write in it to rant is another problem of mine). but because it is anonymous, sometimes it feels a little lonely here, cause no one knows about this place, nor reads it. i mean, it's not like i write some best selling novel here for all to read, it's just all my grouches... and i can't have the people i'm complaining about read this blog, then it's no different from my other blog!

but truth be told, i'm just lonely, i want someone to reply and talk to me, that won't judge me based on my rants, and well just be there for me. guess that it's obviously impossible. so i hide behind this anonymity and write when i have the time to write....

ever heard of those so called "motivating" quotes or sentences that are going around the net? something along the lines of "i wish that there was someone there, that when i said i'm ok, would look me straight in the eye, and say, i know you are not and gives me a hug" i think i'm looking for that kind of friend, which i guess is non existent.

i've been depressed and quite near to suicidal for years.... i've been struggling with it by myself for so long, and honestly speaking, i've been trying to subtly kill myself over the years. i hide from reality by working - i'd rather immerse myself in cold, unfeeling work, then to mix with people.

i've segregated myself from people, calling them "humans". i no longer really consider myself human, more like a lone alien on this planet, trying to find someone from the same planet, who could understand me. my alien is just a single celled alien. and amoeba alien if you wish. it's a lonely world out here on this planet.

some people may say that i brought this upon myself, i chose to be lonely - but my choice of friends is not exactly the best. i don't really have a wide selection. the good friends i had back in school, have all changed, or are over seas or married with a wife and kids. and well usually when people have commitments, they have less time for each other.

i'm unhappy with both family and friends. i feel that both do not appreciate me. work wise, i used to be very unhappy, but now a days, my colleagues have proved to be bearable, and i guess with all that long hours in the office, we tend to become friendlier. don't get me wrong, work is still a bitch, since my bosses think i'm some super woman who accepts a monkey's pay!

family wise, if one had read my previous posts, it hinted that i've two siblings. i'm the youngest child, but yet, feels like i'm not. i've trust issues on humans, and the main reason is that, i can't even trust my own family or friends.

whenever i complain/vent to my family, they are so busy criticizing my complaints or pushing their views across and are not even listening to me. as for friends, since i'm their "counselor" they don't think i've any problems at all, but i'm someone that they can always go to for advise and a listening ear.

everyone thinks that their problem is so big, so then who will listen to me? it has come to a point, where i refuse to talk to people about things that are really bugging me, and thus i turn to writing. the fact that i'm depressed, and have thought of death numerous times, has come across me, but i've never directly said not indicated it to the humans.

i honestly feel that i don't belong to this world, and that with all honesty, with my weak constitution, i should not be alive anymore. i don't know why i'm here. i have no goals or aspirations, and live only according to the societal, and family definition of aspirations. (i think a lot of young people are feeling this way now adays?)

i don't know what i want in life, what is my worth, and what i'm doing. i do not feel loved or appreciated. nor do i feel taken care off. all i feel is the selfishness and self centered-ness of the humans. and yes, that includes my family.

whenever there is a problem, i've to solve it, but all i hear are complaints about me on unrelated matters. i've quietly accepted things rather than throw up a big fuss on things, and make everyone unhappy, but all these again go by unappreciated.

i believe that birthdays are celebrated because certain people are thankful that you are born, unfortunately for me - my birthday feels like a sort of obligation to these family and friends to celebrate, and they do so half heartedly.

how does one feel happy? i've a lot of pent up feelings that i've kept in for so long, and left unsaid - maybe i should write them out? and perhaps find my peace in the process.

come June i will be more than a quarter of a century old, and yet, my unhappiness does not decrease, and that got me thinking, perhaps every other day, i should try to write something - about the memories of my life, whether i was happy or not, appreciated or not, or well.. just memories..... look forward to it :)

－ケイ－