May I?

May I profile you? Well it's not something that I really need your permission for I suppose since I always end up Profiling people whether I like to or not.

But in the short time that we have known each other. And the short time we have hung out together here is what I see.

You are independent and somewhat reliable. Kind, Considerate and ever conscious of other's need. Probably should thank your parents for that.

Suspected and confirmed that you are the eldest, since you are good at taking care of people.

Somewhat.... Reliable in that sense, that if I had a problem, you would do your best to help. In that sense, a person that has you as a good friend is really lucky. But you aren't the type who would take being taken advantage for. You believe in give and take.

Thrifty, do not like to be in debt/servicing one. Probably has to do with your line of work. But it's more to something you picked up in life as well. Realistic in that sense.

Stubborn yet realistic. If you think something is worth fighting for, or realistically achievable you would put in your all, and actually expect returns. If you expect not to get returns. You won't start. Prudent investing!

Adaptable, you adapt according to the environment and people. And you adapt well, knowing how to control your mannerism and character. I would say that you are capable of being the next Ted Bundy, lol.

You are also somewhat shy around people, not exactly the extrovert. But you do try to not be the introvert. Not a social butterfly, but capable enough to hold yourself in a social/business setting. Open enough, yet knows what information should not be shared. You are probably hating me for profiling you in public now, lol.

Hardworking, again in the sense you are the type that expects returns on your investment. Basically, If you put in the effort, you expect results. Results orientated.

Patient but not that patient. Life has taught you to be mature since you had to take care of yourself. Previously, you were, what I'd term as mildly rebellious. But now you've matured and understand that life is not a bed of roses.

Probably didn't have the best self esteem before this, but with a supporting and loving family, and probably friends, (but I suspect friends are so-so only) you did well. Your self esteem is still fragile but better than last time.

That brings us to another point. You are quite closely knit with your family. Therefore, family is important to you. Having company, people you can associate and wind down is important to you.

I could go on, but I already feel lazy and that this is pointless. So I guess that's it.....


-ケイ-

Happy thanksgiving!!

A happy thanksgiving to all!! And especially my cousin who graciously hosted this year's thanksgiving again!!

As usual the food was fabulous! (it was worth the travel ;p)

Much love,
-ケイ-

Stop

All that is gold does not glitter,

Not all those who wander are lost;

The old that is strong does not wither,

Deep roots are not reached by the frost.

From the ashes a fire shall be woken,

A light from the shadows shall spring;

Renewed shall be blade that was broken,

The crownless again shall be king.^[1]

suddenly felt very LOTR-ish.. don't ask me why... i blame my colleague, it started when he started playing LOTR's OST on youtube in the office.. and then suddenly i felt like watching the whole damn thing again, singing its songs again etc etc... aiiii

****

stop, stop, stop, stop....

just stop.. sigh... although today i feel a little better since i went into the office. it is true, work keeps your mind off things... i still thought of you, but not as much.... why am i even thinking of you?? it's frustrating! you are supposed to be nothing but just a friend!!!

well, guess one just needs to get busy, and keep the mind preoccupied...

i miss my baby.. it's going to be a lonely night...

***
on another note....
Baby, i know you were sleepy last night, but you didn't listen to me when i said that i'd be sending you to your great granny now did you? now you won't eat..? tsk, tsk, naughty boy! sit tight and mummy will see you on Monday ;) lotsa love, muaxz mom


-ケイ-

I miss you

i know i've told myself, over and over again... that i'd stop whatever that was set in motion, but i can't help it. the gears are in motion and i really don't know how to stop it, save from never seeing you again..... which i'm torn about....

because even then, i would still most probably miss you..... i would miss you.. until.. i don't know.... for a certain period of time at least i guess....

from someone which i thought, "Meh, he will just make a good friend", you have turned into someone that i have feelings for. ironic isn't it, turns out you possess a trait that i really like, and i couldn't help noticing it. and i started to think "hey, he's not bad...."... and the gears were set in motion...

everywhere i go, i can't avoid thinking of you - well maybe it's because your company's logo is everywhere lol.. which makes it unfair.. everytime i see it, i think of you...... (then again, even when i don't see that logo, i think of you and miss you.....)

there is this quote that i got from a little book that i've been reading lately, it's called:
The Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson

an interesting quote, which i think is applicable to me now is this:

"Know when to withdraw: There comes a time in every struggle when determination serves no purpose and becomes and end unto itself, knowing when to move on to the next issue is a skill possesed by many calm people"

i feel like i should withdraw, because you seem to be leaning the other way, i bury everything in, and do my best to let this feelings of mine die out...

but when you say things like that, you make me think twice, and whatever i've tried so hard to bury comes out at me again.... you make hope ignite... it's unfair that you have this effect on me.....

The best part is, i don't understand why i miss you..... i just do......

and here i am wistfully and foolishly hoping and wishing that you feel the same way too....

it's times like this, that i hate my life, i hate that it's always so one sided....


-ケイ-

Rumour

In a city where the wind never blows, there is a rumour.....


When the wind blows, it is to carry someone away.

Recently I read a manga with that tag line. It's a beautiful but somewhat selfish story.

Telling someone to live while you die.. Why can't you live together. I know happy endings only happen in perfect stories, which in turn does not exist...

But it's just plain selfish

To me, don't tell me to go on living without you, especially if you are going to commit suicide.

But that's just my personal take... Others might see it as romantic

-ケイ-

Giving up

Giving up is like admitting defeat. But you need to know when to let go to avoid hurting yourself or making a fool of yourself. Some may call it a tool to protect one's own fragile mind, but there is no denying that it is what it is. Defeat. Although you could say sometimes that it is an honorable defeat? When you know you have to let go, and you actually do let go. Suffer the pain, and quietly lick your wounds.

Giving up..... Its basically Self Preservation ("SP"). Such is life. I have recently reverted into the SP stage, and I begin to somewhat understand why I am such a workaholic. At least work in some sense pays off. If not monetary wise. At least in some ways job satisfaction wise. I feel. And it is an excuse that people don't often question. A good escape?

My SP is the typical escape of somewhat immersing myself in work. While I am concentrating on something. I do not have the time to think about something else. It's a pathetic attempt to avoid reality. But in some sense it is a profitable one, if you get my drift.

At times I wonder why I've to enter this SP stage, and I know. Cause life is no box of chocolates. Neither am I so lucky. So time and time again, I go through this tribulation.

It's tiring and I wonder, when will I give up on that too....

-ケイ-

これは薆ですか？

私は誰？ 誰か私の事を好きですか？

答えは考えましたです。。。じゃ答えは？ ないです。。。この人生は本当に悲しいって。。。

I have thought of it, many times... And still no answer presents itself.

It's no point denying, so I'll admit it. I feel lonely and would like a partner. Yet when a so called prospect comes along. I feel nothing but disdain, my likelihood of rejecting that prospect is very high.

Maybe it's because i live in both spectrum. And maybe more. And maybe its because of this that i tend to understand the workings of the mind, i cannot help, but feel distrustful.

Fact is, that is not the only problem, I understand that I have a very huge pride, and that I'm egotistical. I don't think anyone is good enough. Nor do I trust anyone.

I don't know if it's because of the way I grew up, or if it is my views of earth and it's inhabitants, or the fact that I am actually very afraid to feel pain, or if it's my refusal to take risks.

I know that if i loved. I would love completely. And that I would get very hurt, if it doesn't work out. It is inevitable when it comes to love, i understand that very well, and as people have said, if I don't put myself out there I will never know. I'll just keep waiting for the so called right one that does not exist. The one that will never hurt me, does not exist. Yet I cannot help my tendency to reject....

I understand there is no perfect one or right one. There is only the almost perfect or right one, and they are only so, because you made them so.

I'm cynical, and I view the world with suspicious eyes. Finding it difficult to trust humans, or wanting to enjoy their company for an extended duration of time.

I guess there is no choice but to continue threading this lonely path. Sigh....

-ケイ-