With the end of 2011 and the start of 2012 we see so many people posting on their Facebook, twitter etc that they are thankful for 2011 and are sure that 2012 will have more to offer.
Optimists? Or just merely posting cause everyone else is posting? Or did they really have such a good year i.e. lucky?
I guess for some they have been really lucky, some of them worked for it. If you asked me? I don't have much to say that would be good for 2011. So being thankful for 2011? I'm not sure.
My team, being my boss and senior left for another firm, leaving me alone to handle all the work load. A one man show literally.
Not knowing how to do all the work and with no guidance I had to struggle through. Resulting in a gastric ulcer. Waking up at about 3-4 am cause it was so painful. Realising that I was clenching my fists as I woke up. Not able to get proper rest.
Can't take leave or even medical leave in peace. There is a reason why the doctors gave me the day off! But no! Still had to call or text me to do work. When I'm on leave I'm working longer hours than I work in the office, or at least 4 to 5 hours a day. Cause i don't waste time traveling...What is the point of taking leave??
I was also forced to work a lot of weekends. Both at the client place and at home. More at the latter. Full time working... The only plus point about work, if you could call it that, is that I learnt a lot in a short span.
I'm probably quite valuable in the market now... But that would mean I could get all the same shit where ever I go now. Capable people really suffer at the workplace.
Even though the bosses know I have a gastric problem they still gave me so much work... Sigh. Overall work this whole year is bad!!
Friends wise, I'm not any happier being still stuck with that bunch of people. Although I do have some good friends. So, friend department wise I guess there is a plus and minus.
Tried making new friends, but with the work hours I have, what social life??
Also with the long hours, my colleagues are my friends now, and you know what they say bout colleagues being friends.
Some are ok to work with, others whether on purpose or not, act incapable and indirectly beg you to do the work. And also one has to be careful to ensure that no unwanted news ends up where it shouldn't.
I think that there is also a bit of fear on their end that the bosses may hear things from me as I'm in their good books....
On the love front.. This year there is nothing to talk about. I work with a majority of women. The only men I meet are either not available, or too old, or well not mature enough for me.
There was one as can be seen from my earlier posts, but we all know how it turned out...
Family, well what is there to say, I'm currently the only one staying with my parents as my siblings are both residents overseas.
One came back for Chinese new year and as usual every year pissed me off. My parents sided with him, cause apparently he only comes back once a year, so I should be more patient.
Load of bullocks, so should I move out too and come back once a year? There is a limit to patience, and where he is clearly in the wrong, you do not scold me!
Anytime his stupid precious son is mentioned. Even if I'm talking bout something else, I'll get scolded. Honestly, if my brother decides to move back home, I'm going to move out. Can't stand living in the same house with they prick and the old man blindly siding with they ass!
Also at the end of the year my sister came back, well she's still here.... So its more like is back lol for christmas and new year, well and I'm closer to her. We had a few disagreements but it's still better to have her around than my brother.
So family wise, same as usual.... No plus or minus actually. Well actually minus cause I've an asshole for a brother, and a dad that blindly sides with him. And people wonder why I don't talk to my brother.
Extended family? Well my cousins were nice enough to bring me out, cause I was stressed and overworked, depressed and unhappy. Also not very willing to go out with the people who call themselves friends but don't act like one. So I guess ok on this end...
So overall reading this post do I have to be thankful for 2011? I'm a realist, not my problem if you see me as a pessimist.
But all I'll say bout 2011 is that I'm neither going to thank it or cuss at it. But I do hope my 2012 will be better, everything else being the same... Hopefully better. At least let my love department improve please....
Thank you very much, and a happy new year!!
Enter the water dragon!!!
-ケイ-
Saturday, 31 December 2011
Saturday, 10 December 2011
Point taken
I find it incredibly rude and a turn off that you ignore my messages and do not reply. I know that you may be busy, and well busy as i am, i do try to reply messages as best as possible and not ignore them!
Forgetting once in a while I understand, or taking forever to reply, i understand.... but all my messages being ignored? I think that is a bit too much....
Well, what are we anyway? Not even close friends, right? Nothing between us, just normal friends who may see each other once in a while, so i guess that's how its going to be from now on and in the future.
But anyway, as bad as it is, and I'm not sure if I'm as bad as you are, but admittedly, I do that to people I don't want to talk to as well.. Point taken..... Thank you for reading
-ケイ-
Forgetting once in a while I understand, or taking forever to reply, i understand.... but all my messages being ignored? I think that is a bit too much....
Well, what are we anyway? Not even close friends, right? Nothing between us, just normal friends who may see each other once in a while, so i guess that's how its going to be from now on and in the future.
But anyway, as bad as it is, and I'm not sure if I'm as bad as you are, but admittedly, I do that to people I don't want to talk to as well.. Point taken..... Thank you for reading
-ケイ-
Thursday, 8 December 2011
Lonely
Feels kind of lonely here, cause its like no one reads or provide feedback haha.
But I guess that's how it is since I'm just writing bout my daily life, nothing interesting like food or places.
It's a bit lonely, but based on experience, it's this anonymity that gives me the freedom to write like this.
Previously I had a blog which I had made known to my friends, and even colleague's found it. In the end, even though I said that, it's my blog and l write what I want.
I had to control what I posted, and had to censor stuff. I could not properly vent my anger, had to look out for people's feelings. Some people misconstrued what I wrote, though I never mentioned names. They thought I was talking about them...
Well they have saying that if you did it, you'd feel it. Well in this case said person did not do it though. Don't know what's their problem.
My blog even got involved in office politics. I really felt like, why couldn't these people mind their own
Business??
If I wanted you to read my blog, I would have given you the link. You don't need to google my blog.
But anyway that is in the past. Life has moved on. So that's it....
Good night world
-ケイ-
But I guess that's how it is since I'm just writing bout my daily life, nothing interesting like food or places.
It's a bit lonely, but based on experience, it's this anonymity that gives me the freedom to write like this.
Previously I had a blog which I had made known to my friends, and even colleague's found it. In the end, even though I said that, it's my blog and l write what I want.
I had to control what I posted, and had to censor stuff. I could not properly vent my anger, had to look out for people's feelings. Some people misconstrued what I wrote, though I never mentioned names. They thought I was talking about them...
Well they have saying that if you did it, you'd feel it. Well in this case said person did not do it though. Don't know what's their problem.
My blog even got involved in office politics. I really felt like, why couldn't these people mind their own
Business??
If I wanted you to read my blog, I would have given you the link. You don't need to google my blog.
But anyway that is in the past. Life has moved on. So that's it....
Good night world
-ケイ-
Wednesday, 7 December 2011
Just the other day
The other day, when I was saying that I was going to let you go? I dreamt I was on a plain, and there was a beautiful white wolf there who tossed me on her back and ran, don't ask me how, I just knew her gender.
Anyway, she tossed me on her back, and I recall being comfortable. With wind rushing past me. And i was Holding on, more like hugging her neck of soft fluffy fur. I felt the warmth, the wonder of it all.
According to the dream dictionary, she was 'survival' and by me embracing her, I chose survival? Or something along those lines.
I did feel a bit better after that, not too emotional. Although every time my phone rings, I catch myself hoping that it's you...
Guess I've still got a bit of a way to go before I can fully let go. But I believe that life moves on and I'll get there! Guess that's why 'survival' came out...
I'm a survivor! I'll survive!
-ケイ-
Anyway, she tossed me on her back, and I recall being comfortable. With wind rushing past me. And i was Holding on, more like hugging her neck of soft fluffy fur. I felt the warmth, the wonder of it all.
According to the dream dictionary, she was 'survival' and by me embracing her, I chose survival? Or something along those lines.
I did feel a bit better after that, not too emotional. Although every time my phone rings, I catch myself hoping that it's you...
Guess I've still got a bit of a way to go before I can fully let go. But I believe that life moves on and I'll get there! Guess that's why 'survival' came out...
I'm a survivor! I'll survive!
-ケイ-
Saturday, 26 November 2011
May I?
May I profile you? Well it's not something that I really need your permission for I suppose since I always end up Profiling people whether I like to or not.
But in the short time that we have known each other. And the short time we have hung out together here is what I see.
You are independent and somewhat reliable. Kind, Considerate and ever conscious of other's need. Probably should thank your parents for that.
Suspected and confirmed that you are the eldest, since you are good at taking care of people.
Somewhat.... Reliable in that sense, that if I had a problem, you would do your best to help. In that sense, a person that has you as a good friend is really lucky. But you aren't the type who would take being taken advantage for. You believe in give and take.
Thrifty, do not like to be in debt/servicing one. Probably has to do with your line of work. But it's more to something you picked up in life as well. Realistic in that sense.
Stubborn yet realistic. If you think something is worth fighting for, or realistically achievable you would put in your all, and actually expect returns. If you expect not to get returns. You won't start. Prudent investing!
Adaptable, you adapt according to the environment and people. And you adapt well, knowing how to control your mannerism and character. I would say that you are capable of being the next Ted Bundy, lol.
You are also somewhat shy around people, not exactly the extrovert. But you do try to not be the introvert. Not a social butterfly, but capable enough to hold yourself in a social/business setting. Open enough, yet knows what information should not be shared. You are probably hating me for profiling you in public now, lol.
Hardworking, again in the sense you are the type that expects returns on your investment. Basically, If you put in the effort, you expect results. Results orientated.
Patient but not that patient. Life has taught you to be mature since you had to take care of yourself. Previously, you were, what I'd term as mildly rebellious. But now you've matured and understand that life is not a bed of roses.
Probably didn't have the best self esteem before this, but with a supporting and loving family, and probably friends, (but I suspect friends are so-so only) you did well. Your self esteem is still fragile but better than last time.
That brings us to another point. You are quite closely knit with your family. Therefore, family is important to you. Having company, people you can associate and wind down is important to you.
I could go on, but I already feel lazy and that this is pointless. So I guess that's it.....
-ケイ-
But in the short time that we have known each other. And the short time we have hung out together here is what I see.
You are independent and somewhat reliable. Kind, Considerate and ever conscious of other's need. Probably should thank your parents for that.
Suspected and confirmed that you are the eldest, since you are good at taking care of people.
Somewhat.... Reliable in that sense, that if I had a problem, you would do your best to help. In that sense, a person that has you as a good friend is really lucky. But you aren't the type who would take being taken advantage for. You believe in give and take.
Thrifty, do not like to be in debt/servicing one. Probably has to do with your line of work. But it's more to something you picked up in life as well. Realistic in that sense.
Stubborn yet realistic. If you think something is worth fighting for, or realistically achievable you would put in your all, and actually expect returns. If you expect not to get returns. You won't start. Prudent investing!
Adaptable, you adapt according to the environment and people. And you adapt well, knowing how to control your mannerism and character. I would say that you are capable of being the next Ted Bundy, lol.
You are also somewhat shy around people, not exactly the extrovert. But you do try to not be the introvert. Not a social butterfly, but capable enough to hold yourself in a social/business setting. Open enough, yet knows what information should not be shared. You are probably hating me for profiling you in public now, lol.
Hardworking, again in the sense you are the type that expects returns on your investment. Basically, If you put in the effort, you expect results. Results orientated.
Patient but not that patient. Life has taught you to be mature since you had to take care of yourself. Previously, you were, what I'd term as mildly rebellious. But now you've matured and understand that life is not a bed of roses.
Probably didn't have the best self esteem before this, but with a supporting and loving family, and probably friends, (but I suspect friends are so-so only) you did well. Your self esteem is still fragile but better than last time.
That brings us to another point. You are quite closely knit with your family. Therefore, family is important to you. Having company, people you can associate and wind down is important to you.
I could go on, but I already feel lazy and that this is pointless. So I guess that's it.....
-ケイ-
Happy thanksgiving!!
A happy thanksgiving to all!! And especially my cousin who graciously hosted this year's thanksgiving again!!
As usual the food was fabulous! (it was worth the travel ;p)
Much love,
-ケイ-
As usual the food was fabulous! (it was worth the travel ;p)
Much love,
-ケイ-
Thursday, 24 November 2011
Stop
- All that is gold does not glitter,
- Not all those who wander are lost;
- The old that is strong does not wither,
- Deep roots are not reached by the frost.
- From the ashes a fire shall be woken,
- A light from the shadows shall spring;
- Renewed shall be blade that was broken,
- The crownless again shall be king.[1]
****
stop, stop, stop, stop....
just stop.. sigh... although today i feel a little better since i went into the office. it is true, work keeps your mind off things... i still thought of you, but not as much.... why am i even thinking of you?? it's frustrating! you are supposed to be nothing but just a friend!!!
well, guess one just needs to get busy, and keep the mind preoccupied...
i miss my baby.. it's going to be a lonely night...
***
on another note....
Baby, i know you were sleepy last night, but you didn't listen to me when i said that i'd be sending you to your great granny now did you? now you won't eat..? tsk, tsk, naughty boy! sit tight and mummy will see you on Monday ;) lotsa love, muaxz mom
-ケイ-
Monday, 21 November 2011
I miss you
i know i've told myself, over and over again... that i'd stop whatever that was set in motion, but i can't help it. the gears are in motion and i really don't know how to stop it, save from never seeing you again..... which i'm torn about....
because even then, i would still most probably miss you..... i would miss you.. until.. i don't know.... for a certain period of time at least i guess....
from someone which i thought, "Meh, he will just make a good friend", you have turned into someone that i have feelings for. ironic isn't it, turns out you possess a trait that i really like, and i couldn't help noticing it. and i started to think "hey, he's not bad...."... and the gears were set in motion...
everywhere i go, i can't avoid thinking of you - well maybe it's because your company's logo is everywhere lol.. which makes it unfair.. everytime i see it, i think of you...... (then again, even when i don't see that logo, i think of you and miss you.....)
there is this quote that i got from a little book that i've been reading lately, it's called:
The Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson
an interesting quote, which i think is applicable to me now is this:
"Know when to withdraw: There comes a time in every struggle when determination serves no purpose and becomes and end unto itself, knowing when to move on to the next issue is a skill possesed by many calm people"
i feel like i should withdraw, because you seem to be leaning the other way, i bury everything in, and do my best to let this feelings of mine die out...
but when you say things like that, you make me think twice, and whatever i've tried so hard to bury comes out at me again.... you make hope ignite... it's unfair that you have this effect on me.....
The best part is, i don't understand why i miss you..... i just do......
and here i am wistfully and foolishly hoping and wishing that you feel the same way too....
it's times like this, that i hate my life, i hate that it's always so one sided....
-ケイ-
because even then, i would still most probably miss you..... i would miss you.. until.. i don't know.... for a certain period of time at least i guess....
from someone which i thought, "Meh, he will just make a good friend", you have turned into someone that i have feelings for. ironic isn't it, turns out you possess a trait that i really like, and i couldn't help noticing it. and i started to think "hey, he's not bad...."... and the gears were set in motion...
everywhere i go, i can't avoid thinking of you - well maybe it's because your company's logo is everywhere lol.. which makes it unfair.. everytime i see it, i think of you...... (then again, even when i don't see that logo, i think of you and miss you.....)
there is this quote that i got from a little book that i've been reading lately, it's called:
The Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson
an interesting quote, which i think is applicable to me now is this:
"Know when to withdraw: There comes a time in every struggle when determination serves no purpose and becomes and end unto itself, knowing when to move on to the next issue is a skill possesed by many calm people"
i feel like i should withdraw, because you seem to be leaning the other way, i bury everything in, and do my best to let this feelings of mine die out...
but when you say things like that, you make me think twice, and whatever i've tried so hard to bury comes out at me again.... you make hope ignite... it's unfair that you have this effect on me.....
The best part is, i don't understand why i miss you..... i just do......
and here i am wistfully and foolishly hoping and wishing that you feel the same way too....
it's times like this, that i hate my life, i hate that it's always so one sided....
-ケイ-
Wednesday, 16 November 2011
Rumour
In a city where the wind never blows, there is a rumour.....
When the wind blows, it is to carry someone away.
Recently I read a manga with that tag line. It's a beautiful but somewhat selfish story.
Telling someone to live while you die.. Why can't you live together. I know happy endings only happen in perfect stories, which in turn does not exist...
But it's just plain selfish
To me, don't tell me to go on living without you, especially if you are going to commit suicide.
But that's just my personal take... Others might see it as romantic
-ケイ-
When the wind blows, it is to carry someone away.
Recently I read a manga with that tag line. It's a beautiful but somewhat selfish story.
Telling someone to live while you die.. Why can't you live together. I know happy endings only happen in perfect stories, which in turn does not exist...
But it's just plain selfish
To me, don't tell me to go on living without you, especially if you are going to commit suicide.
But that's just my personal take... Others might see it as romantic
-ケイ-
Monday, 14 November 2011
Giving up
Giving up is like admitting defeat. But you need to know when to let go to avoid hurting yourself or making a fool of yourself. Some may call it a tool to protect one's own fragile mind, but there is no denying that it is what it is. Defeat. Although you could say sometimes that it is an honorable defeat? When you know you have to let go, and you actually do let go. Suffer the pain, and quietly lick your wounds.
Giving up..... Its basically Self Preservation ("SP"). Such is life. I have recently reverted into the SP stage, and I begin to somewhat understand why I am such a workaholic. At least work in some sense pays off. If not monetary wise. At least in some ways job satisfaction wise. I feel. And it is an excuse that people don't often question. A good escape?
My SP is the typical escape of somewhat immersing myself in work. While I am concentrating on something. I do not have the time to think about something else. It's a pathetic attempt to avoid reality. But in some sense it is a profitable one, if you get my drift.
At times I wonder why I've to enter this SP stage, and I know. Cause life is no box of chocolates. Neither am I so lucky. So time and time again, I go through this tribulation.
It's tiring and I wonder, when will I give up on that too....
-ケイ-
Giving up..... Its basically Self Preservation ("SP"). Such is life. I have recently reverted into the SP stage, and I begin to somewhat understand why I am such a workaholic. At least work in some sense pays off. If not monetary wise. At least in some ways job satisfaction wise. I feel. And it is an excuse that people don't often question. A good escape?
My SP is the typical escape of somewhat immersing myself in work. While I am concentrating on something. I do not have the time to think about something else. It's a pathetic attempt to avoid reality. But in some sense it is a profitable one, if you get my drift.
At times I wonder why I've to enter this SP stage, and I know. Cause life is no box of chocolates. Neither am I so lucky. So time and time again, I go through this tribulation.
It's tiring and I wonder, when will I give up on that too....
-ケイ-
これは薆ですか？
私は誰？ 誰か私の事を好きですか？
答えは考えましたです。。。じゃ答えは？ ないです。。。この人生は本当に悲しいって。。。
I have thought of it, many times... And still no answer presents itself.
It's no point denying, so I'll admit it. I feel lonely and would like a partner. Yet when a so called prospect comes along. I feel nothing but disdain, my likelihood of rejecting that prospect is very high.
Maybe it's because i live in both spectrum. And maybe more. And maybe its because of this that i tend to understand the workings of the mind, i cannot help, but feel distrustful.
Fact is, that is not the only problem, I understand that I have a very huge pride, and that I'm egotistical. I don't think anyone is good enough. Nor do I trust anyone.
I don't know if it's because of the way I grew up, or if it is my views of earth and it's inhabitants, or the fact that I am actually very afraid to feel pain, or if it's my refusal to take risks.
I know that if i loved. I would love completely. And that I would get very hurt, if it doesn't work out. It is inevitable when it comes to love, i understand that very well, and as people have said, if I don't put myself out there I will never know. I'll just keep waiting for the so called right one that does not exist. The one that will never hurt me, does not exist. Yet I cannot help my tendency to reject....
I understand there is no perfect one or right one. There is only the almost perfect or right one, and they are only so, because you made them so.
I'm cynical, and I view the world with suspicious eyes. Finding it difficult to trust humans, or wanting to enjoy their company for an extended duration of time.
I guess there is no choice but to continue threading this lonely path. Sigh....
-ケイ-
答えは考えましたです。。。じゃ答えは？ ないです。。。この人生は本当に悲しいって。。。
I have thought of it, many times... And still no answer presents itself.
It's no point denying, so I'll admit it. I feel lonely and would like a partner. Yet when a so called prospect comes along. I feel nothing but disdain, my likelihood of rejecting that prospect is very high.
Maybe it's because i live in both spectrum. And maybe more. And maybe its because of this that i tend to understand the workings of the mind, i cannot help, but feel distrustful.
Fact is, that is not the only problem, I understand that I have a very huge pride, and that I'm egotistical. I don't think anyone is good enough. Nor do I trust anyone.
I don't know if it's because of the way I grew up, or if it is my views of earth and it's inhabitants, or the fact that I am actually very afraid to feel pain, or if it's my refusal to take risks.
I know that if i loved. I would love completely. And that I would get very hurt, if it doesn't work out. It is inevitable when it comes to love, i understand that very well, and as people have said, if I don't put myself out there I will never know. I'll just keep waiting for the so called right one that does not exist. The one that will never hurt me, does not exist. Yet I cannot help my tendency to reject....
I understand there is no perfect one or right one. There is only the almost perfect or right one, and they are only so, because you made them so.
I'm cynical, and I view the world with suspicious eyes. Finding it difficult to trust humans, or wanting to enjoy their company for an extended duration of time.
I guess there is no choice but to continue threading this lonely path. Sigh....
-ケイ-
Tuesday, 25 October 2011
Six months
The post "left behind" was typed up somewhere in may. I never had the time to complete it. But when I thought of writing this post. I saw the draft. And went "ah, what the heck. Let's just complete it". That's the reason why it actually seems so abrupt.
Soo.... It's been six months since the last actual post. Where I was feeling down. Life has moved on since then. I think I'm doing ok. Still a lot of work. No time. To think of other things. For a brief while something else entered the picture. But awkwardness is the master mind. We will just leave it as it is.
Soo.... It's been six months since the last actual post. Where I was feeling down. Life has moved on since then. I think I'm doing ok. Still a lot of work. No time. To think of other things. For a brief while something else entered the picture. But awkwardness is the master mind. We will just leave it as it is.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
left behind
i recently went to china for a holiday with my family, well not the whole family, but my parents, and well..... this sounds silly, but i felt like i left my heart or part of my heart behind..
I think it's kind of silly. Seeing that I had only spent such a short time there. About a week. And well now about half a year later it's as if like it was all a dream. Guess such is life. It moves on.
-ケイ-
I think it's kind of silly. Seeing that I had only spent such a short time there. About a week. And well now about half a year later it's as if like it was all a dream. Guess such is life. It moves on.
-ケイ-
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Flying solo
It's been a long, long while since my last post..... i've always meant to post earlier, but, well.. i was always too tired, and just didn't have the time....procrastinated... even today i'm really tired... everyday i've to work late to finish my work... i'm always one of the last one to have to lock up the office... life was really getting mundane...
and my pursuit for happiness.... well sometimes i think that i just don't want to be happy and just want to wallow away in my unhappiness by my own... but by doing so, people around me, get upset.. so i've no choice but to put on a mask and smile...
but anyway, i was saying that i've been quite lazy to write lately....
じゃ今日は何が別？
今日はね、私の上司の事務所に最後の日 だって
えとう〜悲しいかな私？たぶんな。。少し（笑）でも私は大丈夫です - life goes on.
冷たい人間じゃないよ、ただ，もう知ってるだけ、この日が来る。。
始めては知ってるの時は，私本当に本当に悲しいくって。ちょっと泣いたでも今は、私もういいです。
The month of April is a month of goodbyes for me, 私の上司と先輩は辞任だからね。だから私は今に一人です。
一人で飛べね （笑）
もう疲れた寝る ―おやすみなさい
-ケイ-
and my pursuit for happiness.... well sometimes i think that i just don't want to be happy and just want to wallow away in my unhappiness by my own... but by doing so, people around me, get upset.. so i've no choice but to put on a mask and smile...
but anyway, i was saying that i've been quite lazy to write lately....
じゃ今日は何が別？
今日はね、私の上司の事務所に最後の日 だって
えとう〜悲しいかな私？たぶんな。。少し（笑）でも私は大丈夫です - life goes on.
冷たい人間じゃないよ、ただ，もう知ってるだけ、この日が来る。。
始めては知ってるの時は，私本当に本当に悲しいくって。ちょっと泣いたでも今は、私もういいです。
The month of April is a month of goodbyes for me, 私の上司と先輩は辞任だからね。だから私は今に一人です。
一人で飛べね （笑）
もう疲れた寝る ―おやすみなさい
-ケイ-
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