Appreciation 1

i know this blog is mostly full of my own negative emotions, so as promised a few posts ago, i shall try to right something in my quarter of a century life that i appreciate, or where i feel appreciated/loved. well basically just something positive.....

i think i will start with this, since i remember it each time i've a flu..

when i was young, i was always sick, i would fall sick, only to get better and fall sick again. honestly, if i was born into a poor family.. i don't think i'd be able to be here typing and ranting all my problems out. luckily for me, my dad was a government employee and thus my medical bills were mostly all covered by the government.

but this story takes place, perhaps when i was about 8-9 years old, i was having one of my colds again, with a fever... and at that time, i used to sleep in my parents room, possibly because i was always sick so i had to always sleep there, although eventually i requested to move in and sleep with my sister... lol or rather, that was part of my parents' plans as well, but i digress.

i was having a real bad cold/flu as well with a fever, and my dad gave me a nice rub down with vicks.. if anyone knows what that is.. and viola the next day i was totally well...

i can't remember if i took any medication, all i remember is that the very next day i was all better...

and since then, i sort of swore by vicks,, but that miracle never happened again.. (笑え)... so yea.. when i was younger and always sick, and sleeping in my parents room... i know that they'd wake up a few times in the night to check on me, or make me eat my medicine.. given i was a kid then..

i don't really expect them to wake me up to take my medication now.. but... you know.. it feels nice to have them at least check on you and things like that... take me to the doctor when i request, rather than tell me.. oh i shouldn't go to the doctor.. or i'm much better now.. so i don't have to go... (hello.. i was running a fever of 39-40 celcius for almost a week, where on earth was i supposed to find the strength to insist that i want to see the doctor?? it would have been nice to have been spoilt a little you know) shows that they actually care.. and you aren't some family pet.. which is a liability and burden.. which they are forced to take care off...


 −「ケイ」−

a bit of a fail, since i ended  up ranting at the end.. well.. let's see how the other posts go... maybe i'm just to bitter with life and everything in it. 

errr... arf?

i just realised today, or maybe i realised it a long time ago, but was in denial - and since today was one of those days of truth.... it came out.....

my parents treat me like they treat the dog.... no disrespect or anything.. my little pooch is a spoilt little brat mind you, with a good life.. he gets good food and what not... but you see, he gets the basic of what he needs...

his food, his daily walks, the once a year visit to the vet for his vaccinations, his vitamins... but those are just.. how do you put it? i don't know how to describe it...

do my parents actually really coddle/cuddle him, or play fetch with him? they don't... not at all... all they do is ensure he is fed, he has his walks and sees the doctor when the need arises.. (if it's other than the yearly visit to the vet, there's actually a lot of grumbles on how troublesome and expensive he  is)...

you know it's exactly just that.. you take in a dog, and the responsible thing is to make sure he is fed and has a proper living environment, he gets his walks to do his business.. that's it.. just a responsibility.. and when you are tired of that responsibility... it's a burden......

like humans, dogs require the loving care.. of sitting close.. carrying him.. contact with his person... petting... playing a game of fetch, or find the treat.... or have some refresher course in his basic training.. he needs contact....

he doesn't get it... neither do i... i'm just a "responsibility" they have to take care off.. now that i'm all grown up and working... that's it.. whatever happened to tender loving care...

ironically when the humans want some love they go to you, the dog and expect you to wag your tail and be happy to see them. you have to give them what they want, and yet, they don't give you any tender loving care, unless and when and if they feel like it, which is not often.. no wonder dogs don't live that long!

you know, it would be nice in situations when you've fallen down.. two strong arms carry you up... or if you come home crying with a scrapped knee.... someone to blow on the wound and say.. everything will be alright..

all these were done... on certain occasions by my siblings, (mostly my sister.. my brother was never really much of a brother at all..) and if not them... myself... it was really lonely.. and now that i'm all grown up it hasn't changed... with no siblings - i'm on my own... (not to say that my siblings bother much anyway now since they have their own life)

how do you expect me to love myself if i don't feel the love? i don't know how to love myself....

 −「ケイ」−

caveman

if anthropologists are correct... that the ancient caveman would bash a woman on the head, render her unconscious and drag her by her hair back to his cave and have his way with her. that's like, battery/assualt, kidnap and rape.. but hey.. there were no laws or such defined words during that time. people just grunted to communicate...

but you know what this means?? it means that since the beginning men had no respect for women.

am wondering, why didn't those women ever run away? or was that considered as "culture" then? acceptable norm?

what if the women was already taken? and just happened to be outside.. i don't know, with the laundry or something, and she got bashed by another guy.. then what happens? means she got remarried??

also, it kind of doesn't really make sense? since apparently men were nomads at that time.... and they stuck with each other.... traveled with each other... hmm well whatever it is.. at least society has grown and matured, and some societies do really respect women, where else, there are still certain communities who don't appreciate the women.

but that's life.. it's just a random thought that suddenly came to me one day.


－ケイ－

just found out

hmmm..

just found out that the guy that always made me feel like a lamp post has gotten what he wants and is dating the person he went after. congratulations to both of you, but don't mind me if i rant a little here.

cause to me it looks like there is another side to you as well? you utilise, and when there is no more use for it, you just get rid of it, give the cold shoulder? can't even stay friends? well, i guess perhaps that is also for the best...... cruel to be kind method i suppose.

i mean i don't blame you, perhaps you were after her from the start, and i read wrongly - but i figured out midway, and you did hint.. so although i already knew, i am still a bit disappointed now, can't help it, i do have feelings... but yea... i'm just upset cause well, at that time she had a boyfriend, well i guess things weren't going well with her boyfriend then, so she broke it off and started with you?

like whatever... i thought i was over you, but apparently i wasn't fully over you. both of you were quite secretive.. but whatever, it's not like we are best friends and it's your life.. i will just mull and get it over with. life moves on for me.. sigh...

all the best to the both of you

kinda sad.. guess i'm gonna be forever alone? lol

－ケイ－

風水

I've recently came from a trip.

During that trip I met a 風水先生, she took my name and birth date and after consulting her almanac she told me this:

my parents do not appreciate/suit me (not really sure, since my mandarin isn't really good) - and she asked me... was my dad usually around when i was growing up? am i close to my parents? i said yea, my parents were around, well sort off - i mean they had to work... but they were around.. i guess you could say that.. and i get along fine with my parents...

and because of that, that is the possibility why i am always sick... i apparently have thin ears, which are also a sign of a person who is not really healthy. oh on a plus side i have a good nose, which shows that i'm well provided for... haha

i'm apparently in the right profession though, cause profession that would suit me would be a doctor, lawyer, or government position, or some position where i would be in a supervisory position. (she actually mentioned a few other jobs after doctor and lawyer, but i don't really remember - but basically i should be in a supervisory position)

people will talk bad about me, and not all my friends are true friends - some of them are back stabbers. i don't get along with my brother.. or rather perhaps sibling? maybe that was the word she was using - as i said mandarin or rather chinese isn't my strong point.

and i guess i got conned into buying a small ornamental piece of jade which cost nearly a thousand bucks... oh well.. i want something to believe in, since i see this life as bleak...

the things she told me, is true/felt true.. for a person who doesn't know me, or well, even if it is a hoax and the tour guide had fed them information, it felt true what she said, my brother and i have both been quite civil and decent through out the trip, so one wouldn't be able to know if we got a long well or not, we just seemed ok.

well i don't know, apparently for me, everything is going well, just my health and love life, let's see if that crystal/jade (if it's real jade lol) actually works...

have an interview tomorrow, wish me luck!


－ケイ－

I miss you

i know i've told myself, over and over again... that i'd stop whatever that was set in motion, but i can't help it. the gears are in motion and i really don't know how to stop it, save from never seeing you again..... which i'm torn about....

because even then, i would still most probably miss you..... i would miss you.. until.. i don't know.... for a certain period of time at least i guess....

from someone which i thought, "Meh, he will just make a good friend", you have turned into someone that i have feelings for. ironic isn't it, turns out you possess a trait that i really like, and i couldn't help noticing it. and i started to think "hey, he's not bad...."... and the gears were set in motion...

everywhere i go, i can't avoid thinking of you - well maybe it's because your company's logo is everywhere lol.. which makes it unfair.. everytime i see it, i think of you...... (then again, even when i don't see that logo, i think of you and miss you.....)

there is this quote that i got from a little book that i've been reading lately, it's called:
The Little Book of Calm by Paul Wilson

an interesting quote, which i think is applicable to me now is this:

"Know when to withdraw: There comes a time in every struggle when determination serves no purpose and becomes and end unto itself, knowing when to move on to the next issue is a skill possesed by many calm people"

i feel like i should withdraw, because you seem to be leaning the other way, i bury everything in, and do my best to let this feelings of mine die out...

but when you say things like that, you make me think twice, and whatever i've tried so hard to bury comes out at me again.... you make hope ignite... it's unfair that you have this effect on me.....

The best part is, i don't understand why i miss you..... i just do......

and here i am wistfully and foolishly hoping and wishing that you feel the same way too....

it's times like this, that i hate my life, i hate that it's always so one sided....


-ケイ-

そうですか？

A friend of mine seemed down with work, as she thinks she can't live up to the expectations of the corporate world. So to try to cheer her up, i searched for some inspirational quotes online...

Whilst browsing, I found a quote which reads something along the lines that a true write is someone who wants to right, and needs to write…

Somehow I feel its true, but I don’t know if it applies to me.

There have been many times when I wish to write, to vent out my feelings, but due to the blog readership, it doesn’t seem very nice to vent out my anger there, seeing that some of the people that read my blog are sensitive creatures who would likely take offence.

I care to much about others feelings more than myself. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite the altruist.. but I doubt that people realise or appreciate that.

Most of the time I profess myself to be quite good at reading people, knowing what to say and to give wise advise, but when it comes to the so called friends, especially those that irk me, I cannot say out loud what it is that annoys me so much that I would like to not see them anymore or hang out with them anymore. (or for a duration of time)

Unfortunately because I decipher their personality to be sensitive, fragile and somewhat revengeful, I cannot open my mouth, for fear that once they take offence they shall spread words against me.

Basically I don’t trust them; I don’t think they are mature enough. Yet I cannot also write about my anger, because it is this same people that will read what I write. The very same people who have angered me.

But I am a very angry person, I’ve kept in far too much for far too long. Studies, work, friends, family etc, I’ve kept a lot of my resentment and anger in. I've suffered in silence for years...

Well studies not so much, since I’m quite a lax student. Sure there are times that the lecturer pisses you off so badly, but hey after graduation, it is good riddance isn’t it?

Work place stress, is always there…. Clients thinking that you are god, or that you have 5 heads and 7 pairs of hands to do all their work in one shot… friends as I’ve mentioned… as can be seen, its quite obvious I’ve been questioning myself if I actually really have any friends?

My conclusion is that I do, but I can’t rely on those that I consider friends, cause they have their own problems… I don’t feel like burdening them with my problems, and further, due to jealous girlfriends or what not, I'm most often or not treated as if I'm some sort of mistress by my friends.

(it is a somewhat an unfortunate fact that most of my friends are boys, since they are not very revengeful and do not take offence so easily, I find it easier to befriend the male species.)

Honestly there are times I get annoyed when the friend comes looking for me. I’m selfish in that way I guess.

But I’ve friends who don’t look for me at all. Its sad to be forgotten. Then there are people that one has to call friends, but who do not have the qualities of friends. Or rather, to be more kind, it would be what we term as fair weather friends.

Friends that don’t appreciate nor understand you. Many a time someone would say back to you, well have you looked at yourself?

I have, many times, I have toned down my character, I try my best to appreciate them and show that I care, not to say that I expect anything back in return, but its tiring, when people only look for you when they want you to organise something, or they are in trouble and need you to bail them out, because they for a fact that I will bail them out or do whatever that is best within my powers to help them out.

They don’t look for you, or ask you out for a drink, just because they miss you and want to catch up. Nope, it’s cause they want you to do something for them. Those are my friends.

To my friends I am a user, they don’t see my effort put into planning things like organising movies, or nights out for them, or that I listen to them and give advice to them when they need and seek it, or when they are in trouble, to help out in whatever way I can.

Nope, to them I’m a user. It doesn’t matter that I care for their well being. Doesn’t matter. Those are my friends…

I consider myself a loner without friends because of people like that. They hang out without telling me or inviting me. I don’t think friends leave friends out of the loop.

Well, I’ve decided to be a revengeful little bitch now. I don’t care if I go to hell or I end up sad and alone or whatever.. I already am. So it doesn’t matter to me.

Yes, I know, I’ve a lot of cooped up anger. But without any positive outlet to release it, what do you expect.

So see, I’ve work stress, and stress from friends.

Ah there is another story of a friend who is (present tense, cause he's definitely still being one) being a total jackass, that one has also cause me to harbour a lot of anger. I did write a bout that, but it is too specific, (see??!! in the end I still care for other's image, well being and feelings) so I had to ensure that it was posted where I can chose who can read it.

apologies, but see, even after what that so called friend has done, I’m still being nice. I really shouldn’t, but it’s not really in me to be such a bitch, although I always talk about being one.

Then there’s family stress. I’ve a brother who can be a total pain in the ass, who thinks I’m still 12 years old or something, and only looks for me when he wants something. Look once and he’s playing a prank and what not, look the second time and he’s pissed at you cause you reciprocated to that prank. Or because you got pissed at his prank, then suddenly everything is now your fault, why didn't you give in to your brother.... (what the fuck? this happened this year mind you, its not some old sibling feud, turned out everything is my fault in the end.. how nice of my family members, is it because I haven't a dick, so it's my fault?)

Just recently I told him to stop posting where he’s been on a popular social networking site, to which he replied that it’s his freedom what he does, (in what can be considered a joking manner), so I joked back, okay, it’s your call.

A cousin butted in and said that we were fighting, to which I responded that we were not, and to which my brother replied, someone needs a dictionary. Later a number of birthday wishes for my brother appeared on that link, because it seems that otherwise people could not post their birthday wishes.

Since our conversation started there, I just continued there, who needs a dictionary. Next thing I know he PMs me telling me to be more sensitive and that everyone can read that message, and it confuses them since they don’t know what’s going on. And that if I don’t want to receive anymore notifications of where he has been then I should disable it. I should be sensitive to the other posters, and he deleted all earlier comments.

I totally went, what the fuck? And just went, okay, I shall not message you anymore in public then, to which he replied whatever.

So go figure, I have such a brother, who is actually my older brother, by the way, I failed to mention it earlier didn't I. He is my older brother but one that requires me to check his grammar for his university assignments, oh during then he’s nice to me. Even though I had to sacrifice my sleeping and working time to do it for him, I still did it. and he treats me like this. Sigh.. Go figure bro…

Then there are my parents.. well yea, who doesn’t have problem with their parents. Always nagging you to clean your room, do the dishes etc etc

The list goes on and on… Yeap, that’s what my parents do as well, I’m already stressed out and I come home to this kind of crap. Yay, go figure.

My dad is the worse though, he’s like the king, he can do whatever and get away with it, but if you did the same thing, you will get a earful, it's off with your head!

He can scold me about not knowing the time, and that he’s rushing to leave the house, when actually he’s the one that usually pisses me and sometimes my mom off as well, cause he’s actually the one that can’t keep the time. As long as it’s not his matter or problem (cause let’s say you are the one rushing to go out) he will take his own sweet time.

If he forgets to turn off the lights its okay, but if you forget it’s so bad, it’s like somebody died…

He thinks that life in the private sector is all peachy, he used to bug me as to why I’m always coming home late from work. I actually got scolded for working late.. wow... isn't it great? Like hello? You think I like staying in that god forsaken dingy place that is called my office? I’d like to come home early as well you know. After a few times of me saying that, (plus some backing up from my mom) then only did he stop saying unreasonable and insensitive stuff like that.

He calls me self centred, but I think he’s more self centred than I am. I used to take it all lying down, but lately I’ve taken to giving him a piece of my mind back and then he complains that I fight back, and talk too much... Well, I've enough of the shit, so I'm just fighting back... now you've just realised I don't take shit, good for you.

Everything he does is right, he doesn’t listen to other people. When I said this isn’t the problem that is, he’s like no, you listen to my solution.. Which is not related to the problem. Yay go figure.

Sometimes, actually most of the time, I think my siblings are lucky cause they don’t stay at home to face all this crap. I’m really tempted to move out and get my own place at this rate.

Sure I won’t have any savings left, and I will be on my own. But it’s way better than all this nagging and insensitive remarks. Plus, I'm already lonely it makes no difference, and since my parents are dying for me to be independent, isn't that a win-win situation?

(they nag, that when I'm on my own I take care of myself, but I depend on them when I'm with them.... which is actually true, I'm capable of looking after myself actually. Just that I don't see the point now - believe it or not, my goal is to not live so long in this world haha)

Best part, is unlike some people who have friends or certain relatives that they can go to vent out all this matters, I have no one. So I keep it all in. Till it boils and mixes together. Till I’m not sure what exactly has made me such an angry and depressed person. But I do know for sure that its all of these combined together… with no outlet. With no one to understand me.

Yeah, some people will say, why don't you talk to your mom? ermm, my mom well, first off she's not a very good listener, and her advice? Well, I'm sorry, but I give better advise than that. heck.. there are times I can’t even stand my own mom, she seems immature sometimes.. sad isn't it, that the child thinks in such manner.

there was once my family was arguing with each other, my mom cried almost everyday, my dad was sullen everyday, my pain in the ass brother was so sweet with his words and my sister was crying as well. in the end, I couldn't stand it, and scolded everyone. and while scolding, I actually told them, aren't you ashamed that the youngest in this family has to tell all of you to wake up??!

I was having exams around that time, and obviously being quite attached to family, I found it hard to concentrate, the aura at home seems black everyday, heavy, pressing and very depressing...

yes, no doubt I'm a last minute worker when it comes to my studies, but this has really harmed me. I've always been a last minute worker and this is the first time that I failed one of my papers and it's my fault. That's sweet mom, very sweet. Thank you. (it was after that, that I lashed out at the whole family - after that peace was restored - I'm not praising myself, these are just merely the facts which I need to state)

Its true as my boss had said I’m precocious. That’s why I can’t exactly connect with my friends (who are peers) and sometimes relatives, as I think far ahead..

This is one thing I don’t know how to overcome, I can’t just be childish, and I really do not think of matters till they crop up, and neither do I keep thinking of it once it is out of sight. But I just can’t find someone I can connect with.

That’s my life, that’s why I’m such an angry person.

That’s why I stopped writing so long ago, stopped venting my real feelings so long ago. Started wearing a mask so much, that now, I cannot remove it without removing my own skin. That’s me.

At one point I was so depressed I was suicidal and angry, wanting to destroy things or to kill myself. I think my family has to thank the stars, the skies, the gods whatever, that I’m precocious and too rational for my own good.

I’ve reached the stage where I don’t care i.e. apathetic so yes, am not that suicidal or destructive. But it’s a thin line I’m walking. Will I ever find someone that I can connect with ever in this world? I don’t know. And I’m trying to keep up my search and not give up hope…

But I’m also doing my best to not dream too far and to lose sight of who I am.

I'm still trying to get out of this shit hole, and not make it any deeper than it already is.

I'm still looking for my silver lining in the clouds, and I think it's good that I'm still looking, at least I've not given up yet.

「ケイ」

what are friends?

often or not, I've been thinking, what are friends?

what are they for? most people will say that they the people who are there for you when you need someone the most.......

at one point i used to believe that they were the siblings that god forgot to give me.

then i realised, even my own siblings had their own lives to live and couldn't spend every moment with me. or couldn't come running whenever i had a problem and i had to sort it out myself. what more friends?

i respected that, i didn't want to enroach on to that.

but whenever they had problems they would come to me for solace and advise, when i needed a listening ear, they gave me no advise nor solace. not that i expected any in return, but it would have been good if someone would listen.

so not only did i have to take care of myself, but of other people, who didn't give two hoots about me... sigh....

because i smiled and laughed a lot, they always thought that i had no problems, even when i spoke of my problems, they would listen for a bit then start on their own problems....

that was when i learnt, people, no matter who they are, thinks that their problem is the biggest in the world. they are only interested in themselves, selfish you could say, but all humans have a degree of their selfishness...

i seemed to lack this, until i realise that friends were using the words "oh i know..... if you had time, you would have surely listened to me". i was like.. what??? was that supposed to be some guilt factor trick?

you never answered my calls to go out, or to hang out, and when you have problems that you need advise, you say that to me when I'm busy. and with work of all things.

i don't know if that's what you can call a friend....am i supposed to feel guilty in such a case???

while i was ill, in university, in a foreign land, dizzy with a headache, the people that went with me to that foreign land, the "friends", well, they said they weren't feeling well either, so the 3 of us went to the doctor which was at the other end of the university. we found out that we had to set an appointment which wasn't due for another hour, their illness being not so bad, they went back to the halls of residence, leaving me there alone...

luckily i had a friend who stayed near the clinic, and he let me use his room to rest... and after seeing the doctor, sick and dizzy as i was, i had to go back alone to my hall.... it was quite a distant.. my brother from another distant foreign land called to check on me.... nothing beats family...

but you know, when you are in a foreign land, friends are supposed to be your "family", guess i thought wrongly, or was too idealistic, i realised it quick enough though...

when one of those 2 same friends fell sick, i got bread and soup for her, fruits and medicine for her...... again, at that time i wasn't expecting anything, but i don't know... if that's what you can call a friend... i expected them to be at least independent.. but.... eventhough they were the eldest in their family, my expectation of them, on how to look after themselves and other people was too high. (I'm the youngest in my family by the way)

one of the same friend together with a different friend, not to long ago caused me to fall down a small flight of stairs. on my already previously injured ankle (it was a torn ligament), this fall resulted in tearing the ligament again.

given that it was an accident i didn't blame them, but the next day they pissed me off, they walked so far in front at the shopping mall, and when it was time to get the car, they didn't have the sense to ask me to wait at the entrance while they fetched the car, instead they suggested putting me in a shopping cart and pushing me to the car. the same other friend, recently asked me, how i injured my ankle...

when my boss asked me to claim for medical fees from these people, i told him its impossible, when i told friend 1 from foreign land that i went to see the doctor for my ankle, that friend didn't even bother to ask about fees, just asked how it was, and talked bout something else....

and upon the both of them finding out that it is a permanent injury, they again walked so far in front (with friend number 2 from foreign land) leaving me limping at the back. luckily i had another friend willing to walk with me slowly behind at both instances. (both were different friends)

so are those 3 what we call friends? i don't know.

the best of all, will require one post for himself...

but that said, i have some people i can call friends, although i guess they are all physically distant from me... is it the distance? and the minimal contact with me? that makes them the better listener? or that it makes them seem more caring?

even then, only one, seems to be there, the rest who are overseas don't even talk to me online, unless there is something, but when they do come back home, they do look me up to hang out.

and if i were to message them, i guess they would be there to listen.... but i don't know, even if i needed them, they can't be with me, cause of where they are... i guess you can call them friends, but, if they don't talk to me unless i talk to them... is that what i can call a friend? i don't know...

what are friends? what does it mean to be a friend? to always be there for people who won't be there for you?

all i want are just a few good friends, who will look me up, just to chat, share secrets, talk about life, gossip, laugh, have fun, share tears, share burdens, give each other sound advise, or just to sincerely listen....

that said.. i think i have two such friends... (though they are busy with their life, they still keep track of me, one used to call me every few months, according to him, its to check if i'm still alive haha, though now that he has a son, i understand he no longer has time for me.. the other.. is still okay, i can gripe to him about anything and he listens ever so patiently...) thank you to the both of them!

there is a silver lining in every cloud...

-ケイ-