So it's my fault now??

I recently realized something, seems like my sister's favourite tactic when I am angry at her because its her fault is to not show remorse. But to either, encroach into my space or be angry as well and after that the problem becomes my fault. So she can throw a tantrum and hold a grudge while I can't? Even though I don't hold grudges as long as her? She also chooses to ignore me. I'm only there currently as a cash cow for her. And when it's convenient. How nice to have family. (Seems like I'm just the "back up" and when "it's convenient" for my family, with family like that who needs friends)

She has been away for 9 years and just expect to fit back into my life like nothing happened. Dream on. Nine years is long enough to change someone. It sure as hell has made you more sly, conniving, selfish and self centered than you already are.

You never bothered to find out how I was doing here. Yea on pretense you ask. When I start to talk. You interrupt and start talking bout your own stuff and disregard me. And you dare ask me why I don't talk. Hilarious.

Unlike you. I ve done fine 9 years without you. And I'm sure i will do fine continuously. I ve been alone all the while it makes no difference that you are back and might I add back only temporarily since you are trying to leave again.

Spare me your melodrama. I don't have the time for you. Who proves me right over and over again what a bitter person you are. That its Tiring for me since you don't even try to understand me and only think about you and yourself all the time.

I don't need people like that. Family or not. I've enough of people like that around me. If you are going to be no different than I'm better off without you. You seem to need me more than I need you.

Suck it up, let go and live with it. When you stop wallowing in your shit hole. Open up your eyes and look around, you will realize that the world doesn't just revolve around you.

And if you can't even try to understand me. It's not my problem that you don't have the PR skills you claim that you have.

Appreciation 1

i know this blog is mostly full of my own negative emotions, so as promised a few posts ago, i shall try to right something in my quarter of a century life that i appreciate, or where i feel appreciated/loved. well basically just something positive.....

i think i will start with this, since i remember it each time i've a flu..

when i was young, i was always sick, i would fall sick, only to get better and fall sick again. honestly, if i was born into a poor family.. i don't think i'd be able to be here typing and ranting all my problems out. luckily for me, my dad was a government employee and thus my medical bills were mostly all covered by the government.

but this story takes place, perhaps when i was about 8-9 years old, i was having one of my colds again, with a fever... and at that time, i used to sleep in my parents room, possibly because i was always sick so i had to always sleep there, although eventually i requested to move in and sleep with my sister... lol or rather, that was part of my parents' plans as well, but i digress.

i was having a real bad cold/flu as well with a fever, and my dad gave me a nice rub down with vicks.. if anyone knows what that is.. and viola the next day i was totally well...

i can't remember if i took any medication, all i remember is that the very next day i was all better...

and since then, i sort of swore by vicks,, but that miracle never happened again.. (笑え)... so yea.. when i was younger and always sick, and sleeping in my parents room... i know that they'd wake up a few times in the night to check on me, or make me eat my medicine.. given i was a kid then..

i don't really expect them to wake me up to take my medication now.. but... you know.. it feels nice to have them at least check on you and things like that... take me to the doctor when i request, rather than tell me.. oh i shouldn't go to the doctor.. or i'm much better now.. so i don't have to go... (hello.. i was running a fever of 39-40 celcius for almost a week, where on earth was i supposed to find the strength to insist that i want to see the doctor?? it would have been nice to have been spoilt a little you know) shows that they actually care.. and you aren't some family pet.. which is a liability and burden.. which they are forced to take care off...


 −「ケイ」−

a bit of a fail, since i ended  up ranting at the end.. well.. let's see how the other posts go... maybe i'm just to bitter with life and everything in it. 

sad... much? maybe just alone....

i work and work, and i'm stressed.. sometimes the bosses gives me shit. .sometimes the client gives me shit, sometimes my colleagues gives me shit.... i don't like to work late, but with no one to teach me, i'm basically surviving on my own, learning how to live.. when i come home i'm tired.... and my parents nag..... or during the weekend when i just want to rest.. they nag...

there is a reason why i don't like female friends, jealous people they are.... and well.. how would i put it... mine so happens to be conniving, braggy/show off, unappreciative, selfish, self-centered, insensitive etc... although not all are like that... but the ones that i usually have to go out with is like that... always expecting me to show them the easy way out, but never bothering to help back in return.. take and take and take... bitches who don't know how to give back?

the thing about male friends? well if they don't expect anything save for friendship from you, they can be great.. but they are just not sensitive enough like girls would be...  but hey, since my girl friends are already insensitive, what's the difference right? but again... they are not so interested in your life.. and ranting to them.. is a waste of time, cause apparently they don't rant.. (trust me they do - i've to listen to them, but they won't listen to mine.) they let their frustrations go in other manners..... so i can say, i don't really have that many friends..that i can talk to... or really trust


i know i'm not the easiest person to please, but hey.. some of my friends are really nice. and i try to be there as much as they are there for me.

but it annoys the hell out of me that they won't organise the outings or anything, and i'm the only one that ALWAYS has to do it... what do you take me as? it's not to say that i like doing it, excuses like you are good at it, is total bull shit.. it's whether you put the effort into it...

well if you don't want to put the effort in, then nothing goes on.. my high school mates are like this, some of my legal friends are like this... i don't like organising anymore.. it's an unappreciated job, that people take for granted for.

family... all they have for me is complains and more complains.. they never see my good side... all i am is bad...  just because i take it all quietly...

i don't think if anyone can blame me for having trust issues with humans.. i don't trust humans enough to invest more than i have into them... all they do is continuously use me.. i've to listen to them and give advice,, but no one listens to me or gives me advise... why.. oh well.. since you are so good in giving advise... you should know how to sort your problem out...

but you are always laughing.. i thought there wasn't any problem..


hello?? dim wits and retards... just because i've to act strong all the while, doesn't mean that i enjoy doing it.. i do it, because all you assholes out there are not reliable. but i'm tired.. i am so very tired, that i just want to lie down and sleep and never wake up.. that's how i feel.

and maybe that's why during my surgery in January i stopped breathing. i don't know if it's a dream or something else as i was under anaesthesia, but it's not my first time being put under the drug, and i know how it feels.

the doctors had to wake me up and ask me to breath. it could be because i've a gastroesophageal reflux diseases courtesy of my gastric, which in turn is a souvenir from my work, they put a tube down my throat.. but hey...  with all honesty i went in not really wanting to live either.. so yea

i've not felt truly happy in years.. i have days, where i'm so called "happy" because maybe i so happened to go out with a bunch of people who made me feel for those few hours that mattered that i'm still alive.. or maybe i heard a good joke...

but yea.... i don't see life as worth living anymore, honestly. but i struggle with it everyday, and tell myself to live another day...

i don't know what i'm doing, or where to go... as i've said before, i just live by society's expectations...

i study, i get a degree, i work.. then? get a boyfriend, settle down have kids? very funny...

since i don't trust humans.. and i do not like men in that sense... (i'm not lesbo or anything) i just see men (who are not buddies - if you are a buddy, you've been friend zoned) as.. pain in the arses egoistical humans that think with their dicks more than with their brains..

they can say that they love you and all that, then turn tail and go sleep with you best friend.. i'm not saying that women are not like that... women are as horny as men.. but majority of men, seem to be more easily persuaded as compared to women....

i guess we need to blame all those love stories and fairy tales as well.. all the bull shit that we were fed as kids, doesn't help us at all now - we just have unrealistic fantasies....

i don''t what to do from here, and where to go from here... is eternal sleep the best option? i try to tell myself...... no.....

 −「ケイ」−

just found out

hmmm..

just found out that the guy that always made me feel like a lamp post has gotten what he wants and is dating the person he went after. congratulations to both of you, but don't mind me if i rant a little here.

cause to me it looks like there is another side to you as well? you utilise, and when there is no more use for it, you just get rid of it, give the cold shoulder? can't even stay friends? well, i guess perhaps that is also for the best...... cruel to be kind method i suppose.

i mean i don't blame you, perhaps you were after her from the start, and i read wrongly - but i figured out midway, and you did hint.. so although i already knew, i am still a bit disappointed now, can't help it, i do have feelings... but yea... i'm just upset cause well, at that time she had a boyfriend, well i guess things weren't going well with her boyfriend then, so she broke it off and started with you?

like whatever... i thought i was over you, but apparently i wasn't fully over you. both of you were quite secretive.. but whatever, it's not like we are best friends and it's your life.. i will just mull and get it over with. life moves on for me.. sigh...

all the best to the both of you

kinda sad.. guess i'm gonna be forever alone? lol

－ケイ－

seriously mom?? back off

seriously mom?? just lay off okay? who cares what i do with my money??? who cares if i want to spend money on facials or manicure or pedicure???? it's my money, i have money to spare. it's not like i'm broke or whatever, it's not like i'm using your money????

in fact, you are the one using my money.. well since its so much of a waste of money, then don't follow me for facials, that is a even more waste of my money isnt' it? since i'm not spending it on myself, but on someone else..

or why not i don't pay you any allowance?? that's a waste of money too right? i could save that few hundred dollars every month, if i don't have to pay you anything. right??

you want to bark? you go bark up the right tree okay, leave me alone, stop barking up the wrong tree, it's fucking irritating me. it doesn't help that i think i'm PMS-ing now... so seriously just lay off, it's getting very hard to control my words......

arghhh.... so fucking pissed off... like seriously?? what is your fucking problem???????

erghhhhhhhhh

-ケイ-