A friend of mine seemed down with work, as she thinks she can't live up to the expectations of the corporate world. So to try to cheer her up, i searched for some inspirational quotes online...
Whilst browsing, I found a quote which reads something along the lines that a true write is someone who wants to right, and needs to write…
Somehow I feel its true, but I don’t know if it applies to me.
There have been many times when I wish to write, to vent out my feelings, but due to the blog readership, it doesn’t seem very nice to vent out my anger there, seeing that some of the people that read my blog are sensitive creatures who would likely take offence.
I care to much about others feelings more than myself. Believe it or not, I’m actually quite the altruist.. but I doubt that people realise or appreciate that.
Most of the time I profess myself to be quite good at reading people, knowing what to say and to give wise advise, but when it comes to the so called friends, especially those that irk me, I cannot say out loud what it is that annoys me so much that I would like to not see them anymore or hang out with them anymore. (or for a duration of time)
Unfortunately because I decipher their personality to be sensitive, fragile and somewhat revengeful, I cannot open my mouth, for fear that once they take offence they shall spread words against me.
Basically I don’t trust them; I don’t think they are mature enough. Yet I cannot also write about my anger, because it is this same people that will read what I write. The very same people who have angered me.
But I am a very angry person, I’ve kept in far too much for far too long. Studies, work, friends, family etc, I’ve kept a lot of my resentment and anger in. I've suffered in silence for years...
Well studies not so much, since I’m quite a lax student. Sure there are times that the lecturer pisses you off so badly, but hey after graduation, it is good riddance isn’t it?
Work place stress, is always there…. Clients thinking that you are god, or that you have 5 heads and 7 pairs of hands to do all their work in one shot… friends as I’ve mentioned… as can be seen, its quite obvious I’ve been questioning myself if I actually really have any friends?
My conclusion is that I do, but I can’t rely on those that I consider friends, cause they have their own problems… I don’t feel like burdening them with my problems, and further, due to jealous girlfriends or what not, I'm most often or not treated as if I'm some sort of mistress by my friends.
(it is a somewhat an unfortunate fact that most of my friends are boys, since they are not very revengeful and do not take offence so easily, I find it easier to befriend the male species.)
Honestly there are times I get annoyed when the friend comes looking for me. I’m selfish in that way I guess.
But I’ve friends who don’t look for me at all. Its sad to be forgotten. Then there are people that one has to call friends, but who do not have the qualities of friends. Or rather, to be more kind, it would be what we term as fair weather friends.
Friends that don’t appreciate nor understand you. Many a time someone would say back to you, well have you looked at yourself?
I have, many times, I have toned down my character, I try my best to appreciate them and show that I care, not to say that I expect anything back in return, but its tiring, when people only look for you when they want you to organise something, or they are in trouble and need you to bail them out, because they for a fact that I will bail them out or do whatever that is best within my powers to help them out.
They don’t look for you, or ask you out for a drink, just because they miss you and want to catch up. Nope, it’s cause they want you to do something for them. Those are my friends.
To my friends I am a user, they don’t see my effort put into planning things like organising movies, or nights out for them, or that I listen to them and give advice to them when they need and seek it, or when they are in trouble, to help out in whatever way I can.
Nope, to them I’m a user. It doesn’t matter that I care for their well being. Doesn’t matter. Those are my friends…
I consider myself a loner without friends because of people like that. They hang out without telling me or inviting me. I don’t think friends leave friends out of the loop.
Well, I’ve decided to be a revengeful little bitch now. I don’t care if I go to hell or I end up sad and alone or whatever.. I already am. So it doesn’t matter to me.
Yes, I know, I’ve a lot of cooped up anger. But without any positive outlet to release it, what do you expect.
So see, I’ve work stress, and stress from friends.
Ah there is another story of a friend who is (present tense, cause he's definitely still being one) being a total jackass, that one has also cause me to harbour a lot of anger. I did write a bout that, but it is too specific, (see??!! in the end I still care for other's image, well being and feelings) so I had to ensure that it was posted where I can chose who can read it.
apologies, but see, even after what that so called friend has done, I’m still being nice. I really shouldn’t, but it’s not really in me to be such a bitch, although I always talk about being one.
Then there’s family stress. I’ve a brother who can be a total pain in the ass, who thinks I’m still 12 years old or something, and only looks for me when he wants something. Look once and he’s playing a prank and what not, look the second time and he’s pissed at you cause you reciprocated to that prank. Or because you got pissed at his prank, then suddenly everything is now your fault, why didn't you give in to your brother.... (what the fuck? this happened this year mind you, its not some old sibling feud, turned out everything is my fault in the end.. how nice of my family members, is it because I haven't a dick, so it's my fault?)
Just recently I told him to stop posting where he’s been on a popular social networking site, to which he replied that it’s his freedom what he does, (in what can be considered a joking manner), so I joked back, okay, it’s your call.
A cousin butted in and said that we were fighting, to which I responded that we were not, and to which my brother replied, someone needs a dictionary. Later a number of birthday wishes for my brother appeared on that link, because it seems that otherwise people could not post their birthday wishes.
Since our conversation started there, I just continued there, who needs a dictionary. Next thing I know he PMs me telling me to be more sensitive and that everyone can read that message, and it confuses them since they don’t know what’s going on. And that if I don’t want to receive anymore notifications of where he has been then I should disable it. I should be sensitive to the other posters, and he deleted all earlier comments.
I totally went, what the fuck? And just went, okay, I shall not message you anymore in public then, to which he replied whatever.
So go figure, I have such a brother, who is actually my older brother, by the way, I failed to mention it earlier didn't I. He is my older brother but one that requires me to check his grammar for his university assignments, oh during then he’s nice to me. Even though I had to sacrifice my sleeping and working time to do it for him, I still did it. and he treats me like this. Sigh.. Go figure bro…
Then there are my parents.. well yea, who doesn’t have problem with their parents. Always nagging you to clean your room, do the dishes etc etc
The list goes on and on… Yeap, that’s what my parents do as well, I’m already stressed out and I come home to this kind of crap. Yay, go figure.
My dad is the worse though, he’s like the king, he can do whatever and get away with it, but if you did the same thing, you will get a earful, it's off with your head!
He can scold me about not knowing the time, and that he’s rushing to leave the house, when actually he’s the one that usually pisses me and sometimes my mom off as well, cause he’s actually the one that can’t keep the time. As long as it’s not his matter or problem (cause let’s say you are the one rushing to go out) he will take his own sweet time.
If he forgets to turn off the lights its okay, but if you forget it’s so bad, it’s like somebody died…
He thinks that life in the private sector is all peachy, he used to bug me as to why I’m always coming home late from work. I actually got scolded for working late.. wow... isn't it great? Like hello? You think I like staying in that god forsaken dingy place that is called my office? I’d like to come home early as well you know. After a few times of me saying that, (plus some backing up from my mom) then only did he stop saying unreasonable and insensitive stuff like that.
He calls me self centred, but I think he’s more self centred than I am. I used to take it all lying down, but lately I’ve taken to giving him a piece of my mind back and then he complains that I fight back, and talk too much... Well, I've enough of the shit, so I'm just fighting back... now you've just realised I don't take shit, good for you.
Everything he does is right, he doesn’t listen to other people. When I said this isn’t the problem that is, he’s like no, you listen to my solution.. Which is not related to the problem. Yay go figure.
Sometimes, actually most of the time, I think my siblings are lucky cause they don’t stay at home to face all this crap. I’m really tempted to move out and get my own place at this rate.
Sure I won’t have any savings left, and I will be on my own. But it’s way better than all this nagging and insensitive remarks. Plus, I'm already lonely it makes no difference, and since my parents are dying for me to be independent, isn't that a win-win situation?
(they nag, that when I'm on my own I take care of myself, but I depend on them when I'm with them.... which is actually true, I'm capable of looking after myself actually. Just that I don't see the point now - believe it or not, my goal is to not live so long in this world haha)
Best part, is unlike some people who have friends or certain relatives that they can go to vent out all this matters, I have no one. So I keep it all in. Till it boils and mixes together. Till I’m not sure what exactly has made me such an angry and depressed person. But I do know for sure that its all of these combined together… with no outlet. With no one to understand me.
Yeah, some people will say, why don't you talk to your mom? ermm, my mom well, first off she's not a very good listener, and her advice? Well, I'm sorry, but I give better advise than that. heck.. there are times I can’t even stand my own mom, she seems immature sometimes.. sad isn't it, that the child thinks in such manner.
there was once my family was arguing with each other, my mom cried almost everyday, my dad was sullen everyday, my pain in the ass brother was so sweet with his words and my sister was crying as well. in the end, I couldn't stand it, and scolded everyone. and while scolding, I actually told them, aren't you ashamed that the youngest in this family has to tell all of you to wake up??!
I was having exams around that time, and obviously being quite attached to family, I found it hard to concentrate, the aura at home seems black everyday, heavy, pressing and very depressing...
yes, no doubt I'm a last minute worker when it comes to my studies, but this has really harmed me. I've always been a last minute worker and this is the first time that I failed one of my papers and it's my fault. That's sweet mom, very sweet. Thank you. (it was after that, that I lashed out at the whole family - after that peace was restored - I'm not praising myself, these are just merely the facts which I need to state)
Its true as my boss had said I’m precocious. That’s why I can’t exactly connect with my friends (who are peers) and sometimes relatives, as I think far ahead..
This is one thing I don’t know how to overcome, I can’t just be childish, and I really do not think of matters till they crop up, and neither do I keep thinking of it once it is out of sight. But I just can’t find someone I can connect with.
That’s my life, that’s why I’m such an angry person.
That’s why I stopped writing so long ago, stopped venting my real feelings so long ago. Started wearing a mask so much, that now, I cannot remove it without removing my own skin. That’s me.
At one point I was so depressed I was suicidal and angry, wanting to destroy things or to kill myself. I think my family has to thank the stars, the skies, the gods whatever, that I’m precocious and too rational for my own good.
I’ve reached the stage where I don’t care i.e. apathetic so yes, am not that suicidal or destructive. But it’s a thin line I’m walking. Will I ever find someone that I can connect with ever in this world? I don’t know. And I’m trying to keep up my search and not give up hope…
But I’m also doing my best to not dream too far and to lose sight of who I am.
I'm still looking for my silver lining in the clouds, and I think it's good that I'm still looking, at least I've not given up yet.
「ケイ」
