Appreciation 1

i know this blog is mostly full of my own negative emotions, so as promised a few posts ago, i shall try to right something in my quarter of a century life that i appreciate, or where i feel appreciated/loved. well basically just something positive.....

i think i will start with this, since i remember it each time i've a flu..

when i was young, i was always sick, i would fall sick, only to get better and fall sick again. honestly, if i was born into a poor family.. i don't think i'd be able to be here typing and ranting all my problems out. luckily for me, my dad was a government employee and thus my medical bills were mostly all covered by the government.

but this story takes place, perhaps when i was about 8-9 years old, i was having one of my colds again, with a fever... and at that time, i used to sleep in my parents room, possibly because i was always sick so i had to always sleep there, although eventually i requested to move in and sleep with my sister... lol or rather, that was part of my parents' plans as well, but i digress.

i was having a real bad cold/flu as well with a fever, and my dad gave me a nice rub down with vicks.. if anyone knows what that is.. and viola the next day i was totally well...

i can't remember if i took any medication, all i remember is that the very next day i was all better...

and since then, i sort of swore by vicks,, but that miracle never happened again.. (笑え)... so yea.. when i was younger and always sick, and sleeping in my parents room... i know that they'd wake up a few times in the night to check on me, or make me eat my medicine.. given i was a kid then..

i don't really expect them to wake me up to take my medication now.. but... you know.. it feels nice to have them at least check on you and things like that... take me to the doctor when i request, rather than tell me.. oh i shouldn't go to the doctor.. or i'm much better now.. so i don't have to go... (hello.. i was running a fever of 39-40 celcius for almost a week, where on earth was i supposed to find the strength to insist that i want to see the doctor?? it would have been nice to have been spoilt a little you know) shows that they actually care.. and you aren't some family pet.. which is a liability and burden.. which they are forced to take care off...


 −「ケイ」−

a bit of a fail, since i ended  up ranting at the end.. well.. let's see how the other posts go... maybe i'm just to bitter with life and everything in it. 

sad... much? maybe just alone....

i work and work, and i'm stressed.. sometimes the bosses gives me shit. .sometimes the client gives me shit, sometimes my colleagues gives me shit.... i don't like to work late, but with no one to teach me, i'm basically surviving on my own, learning how to live.. when i come home i'm tired.... and my parents nag..... or during the weekend when i just want to rest.. they nag...

there is a reason why i don't like female friends, jealous people they are.... and well.. how would i put it... mine so happens to be conniving, braggy/show off, unappreciative, selfish, self-centered, insensitive etc... although not all are like that... but the ones that i usually have to go out with is like that... always expecting me to show them the easy way out, but never bothering to help back in return.. take and take and take... bitches who don't know how to give back?

the thing about male friends? well if they don't expect anything save for friendship from you, they can be great.. but they are just not sensitive enough like girls would be...  but hey, since my girl friends are already insensitive, what's the difference right? but again... they are not so interested in your life.. and ranting to them.. is a waste of time, cause apparently they don't rant.. (trust me they do - i've to listen to them, but they won't listen to mine.) they let their frustrations go in other manners..... so i can say, i don't really have that many friends..that i can talk to... or really trust


i know i'm not the easiest person to please, but hey.. some of my friends are really nice. and i try to be there as much as they are there for me.

but it annoys the hell out of me that they won't organise the outings or anything, and i'm the only one that ALWAYS has to do it... what do you take me as? it's not to say that i like doing it, excuses like you are good at it, is total bull shit.. it's whether you put the effort into it...

well if you don't want to put the effort in, then nothing goes on.. my high school mates are like this, some of my legal friends are like this... i don't like organising anymore.. it's an unappreciated job, that people take for granted for.

family... all they have for me is complains and more complains.. they never see my good side... all i am is bad...  just because i take it all quietly...

i don't think if anyone can blame me for having trust issues with humans.. i don't trust humans enough to invest more than i have into them... all they do is continuously use me.. i've to listen to them and give advice,, but no one listens to me or gives me advise... why.. oh well.. since you are so good in giving advise... you should know how to sort your problem out...

but you are always laughing.. i thought there wasn't any problem..


hello?? dim wits and retards... just because i've to act strong all the while, doesn't mean that i enjoy doing it.. i do it, because all you assholes out there are not reliable. but i'm tired.. i am so very tired, that i just want to lie down and sleep and never wake up.. that's how i feel.

and maybe that's why during my surgery in January i stopped breathing. i don't know if it's a dream or something else as i was under anaesthesia, but it's not my first time being put under the drug, and i know how it feels.

the doctors had to wake me up and ask me to breath. it could be because i've a gastroesophageal reflux diseases courtesy of my gastric, which in turn is a souvenir from my work, they put a tube down my throat.. but hey...  with all honesty i went in not really wanting to live either.. so yea

i've not felt truly happy in years.. i have days, where i'm so called "happy" because maybe i so happened to go out with a bunch of people who made me feel for those few hours that mattered that i'm still alive.. or maybe i heard a good joke...

but yea.... i don't see life as worth living anymore, honestly. but i struggle with it everyday, and tell myself to live another day...

i don't know what i'm doing, or where to go... as i've said before, i just live by society's expectations...

i study, i get a degree, i work.. then? get a boyfriend, settle down have kids? very funny...

since i don't trust humans.. and i do not like men in that sense... (i'm not lesbo or anything) i just see men (who are not buddies - if you are a buddy, you've been friend zoned) as.. pain in the arses egoistical humans that think with their dicks more than with their brains..

they can say that they love you and all that, then turn tail and go sleep with you best friend.. i'm not saying that women are not like that... women are as horny as men.. but majority of men, seem to be more easily persuaded as compared to women....

i guess we need to blame all those love stories and fairy tales as well.. all the bull shit that we were fed as kids, doesn't help us at all now - we just have unrealistic fantasies....

i don''t what to do from here, and where to go from here... is eternal sleep the best option? i try to tell myself...... no.....

 −「ケイ」−

errr... arf?

i just realised today, or maybe i realised it a long time ago, but was in denial - and since today was one of those days of truth.... it came out.....

my parents treat me like they treat the dog.... no disrespect or anything.. my little pooch is a spoilt little brat mind you, with a good life.. he gets good food and what not... but you see, he gets the basic of what he needs...

his food, his daily walks, the once a year visit to the vet for his vaccinations, his vitamins... but those are just.. how do you put it? i don't know how to describe it...

do my parents actually really coddle/cuddle him, or play fetch with him? they don't... not at all... all they do is ensure he is fed, he has his walks and sees the doctor when the need arises.. (if it's other than the yearly visit to the vet, there's actually a lot of grumbles on how troublesome and expensive he  is)...

you know it's exactly just that.. you take in a dog, and the responsible thing is to make sure he is fed and has a proper living environment, he gets his walks to do his business.. that's it.. just a responsibility.. and when you are tired of that responsibility... it's a burden......

like humans, dogs require the loving care.. of sitting close.. carrying him.. contact with his person... petting... playing a game of fetch, or find the treat.... or have some refresher course in his basic training.. he needs contact....

he doesn't get it... neither do i... i'm just a "responsibility" they have to take care off.. now that i'm all grown up and working... that's it.. whatever happened to tender loving care...

ironically when the humans want some love they go to you, the dog and expect you to wag your tail and be happy to see them. you have to give them what they want, and yet, they don't give you any tender loving care, unless and when and if they feel like it, which is not often.. no wonder dogs don't live that long!

you know, it would be nice in situations when you've fallen down.. two strong arms carry you up... or if you come home crying with a scrapped knee.... someone to blow on the wound and say.. everything will be alright..

all these were done... on certain occasions by my siblings, (mostly my sister.. my brother was never really much of a brother at all..) and if not them... myself... it was really lonely.. and now that i'm all grown up it hasn't changed... with no siblings - i'm on my own... (not to say that my siblings bother much anyway now since they have their own life)

how do you expect me to love myself if i don't feel the love? i don't know how to love myself....

 −「ケイ」−

caveman

if anthropologists are correct... that the ancient caveman would bash a woman on the head, render her unconscious and drag her by her hair back to his cave and have his way with her. that's like, battery/assualt, kidnap and rape.. but hey.. there were no laws or such defined words during that time. people just grunted to communicate...

but you know what this means?? it means that since the beginning men had no respect for women.

am wondering, why didn't those women ever run away? or was that considered as "culture" then? acceptable norm?

what if the women was already taken? and just happened to be outside.. i don't know, with the laundry or something, and she got bashed by another guy.. then what happens? means she got remarried??

also, it kind of doesn't really make sense? since apparently men were nomads at that time.... and they stuck with each other.... traveled with each other... hmm well whatever it is.. at least society has grown and matured, and some societies do really respect women, where else, there are still certain communities who don't appreciate the women.

but that's life.. it's just a random thought that suddenly came to me one day.


－ケイ－

just found out

hmmm..

just found out that the guy that always made me feel like a lamp post has gotten what he wants and is dating the person he went after. congratulations to both of you, but don't mind me if i rant a little here.

cause to me it looks like there is another side to you as well? you utilise, and when there is no more use for it, you just get rid of it, give the cold shoulder? can't even stay friends? well, i guess perhaps that is also for the best...... cruel to be kind method i suppose.

i mean i don't blame you, perhaps you were after her from the start, and i read wrongly - but i figured out midway, and you did hint.. so although i already knew, i am still a bit disappointed now, can't help it, i do have feelings... but yea... i'm just upset cause well, at that time she had a boyfriend, well i guess things weren't going well with her boyfriend then, so she broke it off and started with you?

like whatever... i thought i was over you, but apparently i wasn't fully over you. both of you were quite secretive.. but whatever, it's not like we are best friends and it's your life.. i will just mull and get it over with. life moves on for me.. sigh...

all the best to the both of you

kinda sad.. guess i'm gonna be forever alone? lol

－ケイ－

contradiction

the design of my blog.. well, is as per blogspot's template but the pictures i could choose....

and well, if one had studied a bit of psychology, perhaps you could tell, but to avoid any confusion, i shall myself explain, why i chose those two pictures.

one of the forest with the ray of lights, and the trees frozen in winter.

the frozen trees in winter, shows bleakness, and that there is no hope. all is cold, and frozen.. there is nothing there, no life.

whereas the forest shows greenery, there is life, and the light rays, are hope..

i feel bleak, that there is no hope, that all is cold and frozen.. but yet i still yearn for life and hope.. guess not all is lost for me yet then....

i will keep on fighting my depression.. even if it's alone, and there's no support.. i've not complained, but i will just have to go on and continue finding my silver lining in the dark clouds, i guess i can partially do it, cause i've my dog.. but once my baby is gone.. i don't know how things will fare then.. but we will deal with that when it comes.


－ケイ－

It's a little late

I just realised that this place has been open since August 2010, and just like the owner it is still as lonely as ever *laughs*

well guess it's also because i hardly have time to come here to write, although i'd like to treat this place like my personal journal, when things are really pissing me off or not going my way, i don't have the time to write about it - and for the past 2 years this place has been left quite stagnant....

i didn't even properly introduce myself when this place first started.... well it may be a little late, but I'm Kei, or well at least that's part of my name, having met with a bunch of nosy and gossipy people previously, i've taken precautions to do my best to stay anonymous. because... well i think i've said it before... but it's amazing how people can just misconstrue what they want, and then talk behind your back after that.

but maybe, i should just tell a little story, as to why this blog came about.....

i initially had another blog, in which i told myself, it's my blog, so i don't give a damn, i will type whatever i want to type and whatever i feel. but in the end i realised that friends and family who are the readers of that blog, would not be able to withstand my crudeness. so in the end, when i were to complain, i wouldn't name the person, but would just complain anonymously, even then, i mellowed down.

and then when i started work 4 years ago, my colleagues being nosy, gossipy little bitches, decided to stalk me, find out about my blog and gossip about things i write there. i had complained about one of those bitches, but the another thought it was her... so stupid, anyway, if you didn't do it, you wouldn't feel it. i had to apologise for no good reason.

after that, i got so busy, i practically stopped blogging. but i realised that when i'm unhappy, the best way i express myself is still by writing.

although i dont' have the time for it, i would rant it out in my own brain when i'm alone... but in the end i still prefer writing, so i started a new blog to be of an anonymous nature (i just started the new blog, whether i had time to write in it to rant is another problem of mine). but because it is anonymous, sometimes it feels a little lonely here, cause no one knows about this place, nor reads it. i mean, it's not like i write some best selling novel here for all to read, it's just all my grouches... and i can't have the people i'm complaining about read this blog, then it's no different from my other blog!

but truth be told, i'm just lonely, i want someone to reply and talk to me, that won't judge me based on my rants, and well just be there for me. guess that it's obviously impossible. so i hide behind this anonymity and write when i have the time to write....

ever heard of those so called "motivating" quotes or sentences that are going around the net? something along the lines of "i wish that there was someone there, that when i said i'm ok, would look me straight in the eye, and say, i know you are not and gives me a hug" i think i'm looking for that kind of friend, which i guess is non existent.

i've been depressed and quite near to suicidal for years.... i've been struggling with it by myself for so long, and honestly speaking, i've been trying to subtly kill myself over the years. i hide from reality by working - i'd rather immerse myself in cold, unfeeling work, then to mix with people.

i've segregated myself from people, calling them "humans". i no longer really consider myself human, more like a lone alien on this planet, trying to find someone from the same planet, who could understand me. my alien is just a single celled alien. and amoeba alien if you wish. it's a lonely world out here on this planet.

some people may say that i brought this upon myself, i chose to be lonely - but my choice of friends is not exactly the best. i don't really have a wide selection. the good friends i had back in school, have all changed, or are over seas or married with a wife and kids. and well usually when people have commitments, they have less time for each other.

i'm unhappy with both family and friends. i feel that both do not appreciate me. work wise, i used to be very unhappy, but now a days, my colleagues have proved to be bearable, and i guess with all that long hours in the office, we tend to become friendlier. don't get me wrong, work is still a bitch, since my bosses think i'm some super woman who accepts a monkey's pay!

family wise, if one had read my previous posts, it hinted that i've two siblings. i'm the youngest child, but yet, feels like i'm not. i've trust issues on humans, and the main reason is that, i can't even trust my own family or friends.

whenever i complain/vent to my family, they are so busy criticizing my complaints or pushing their views across and are not even listening to me. as for friends, since i'm their "counselor" they don't think i've any problems at all, but i'm someone that they can always go to for advise and a listening ear.

everyone thinks that their problem is so big, so then who will listen to me? it has come to a point, where i refuse to talk to people about things that are really bugging me, and thus i turn to writing. the fact that i'm depressed, and have thought of death numerous times, has come across me, but i've never directly said not indicated it to the humans.

i honestly feel that i don't belong to this world, and that with all honesty, with my weak constitution, i should not be alive anymore. i don't know why i'm here. i have no goals or aspirations, and live only according to the societal, and family definition of aspirations. (i think a lot of young people are feeling this way now adays?)

i don't know what i want in life, what is my worth, and what i'm doing. i do not feel loved or appreciated. nor do i feel taken care off. all i feel is the selfishness and self centered-ness of the humans. and yes, that includes my family.

whenever there is a problem, i've to solve it, but all i hear are complaints about me on unrelated matters. i've quietly accepted things rather than throw up a big fuss on things, and make everyone unhappy, but all these again go by unappreciated.

i believe that birthdays are celebrated because certain people are thankful that you are born, unfortunately for me - my birthday feels like a sort of obligation to these family and friends to celebrate, and they do so half heartedly.

how does one feel happy? i've a lot of pent up feelings that i've kept in for so long, and left unsaid - maybe i should write them out? and perhaps find my peace in the process.

come June i will be more than a quarter of a century old, and yet, my unhappiness does not decrease, and that got me thinking, perhaps every other day, i should try to write something - about the memories of my life, whether i was happy or not, appreciated or not, or well.. just memories..... look forward to it :)

－ケイ－

風水

I've recently came from a trip.

During that trip I met a 風水先生, she took my name and birth date and after consulting her almanac she told me this:

my parents do not appreciate/suit me (not really sure, since my mandarin isn't really good) - and she asked me... was my dad usually around when i was growing up? am i close to my parents? i said yea, my parents were around, well sort off - i mean they had to work... but they were around.. i guess you could say that.. and i get along fine with my parents...

and because of that, that is the possibility why i am always sick... i apparently have thin ears, which are also a sign of a person who is not really healthy. oh on a plus side i have a good nose, which shows that i'm well provided for... haha

i'm apparently in the right profession though, cause profession that would suit me would be a doctor, lawyer, or government position, or some position where i would be in a supervisory position. (she actually mentioned a few other jobs after doctor and lawyer, but i don't really remember - but basically i should be in a supervisory position)

people will talk bad about me, and not all my friends are true friends - some of them are back stabbers. i don't get along with my brother.. or rather perhaps sibling? maybe that was the word she was using - as i said mandarin or rather chinese isn't my strong point.

and i guess i got conned into buying a small ornamental piece of jade which cost nearly a thousand bucks... oh well.. i want something to believe in, since i see this life as bleak...

the things she told me, is true/felt true.. for a person who doesn't know me, or well, even if it is a hoax and the tour guide had fed them information, it felt true what she said, my brother and i have both been quite civil and decent through out the trip, so one wouldn't be able to know if we got a long well or not, we just seemed ok.

well i don't know, apparently for me, everything is going well, just my health and love life, let's see if that crystal/jade (if it's real jade lol) actually works...

have an interview tomorrow, wish me luck!


－ケイ－