what are friends?

often or not, I've been thinking, what are friends?

what are they for? most people will say that they the people who are there for you when you need someone the most.......

at one point i used to believe that they were the siblings that god forgot to give me.

then i realised, even my own siblings had their own lives to live and couldn't spend every moment with me. or couldn't come running whenever i had a problem and i had to sort it out myself. what more friends?

i respected that, i didn't want to enroach on to that.

but whenever they had problems they would come to me for solace and advise, when i needed a listening ear, they gave me no advise nor solace. not that i expected any in return, but it would have been good if someone would listen.

so not only did i have to take care of myself, but of other people, who didn't give two hoots about me... sigh....

because i smiled and laughed a lot, they always thought that i had no problems, even when i spoke of my problems, they would listen for a bit then start on their own problems....

that was when i learnt, people, no matter who they are, thinks that their problem is the biggest in the world. they are only interested in themselves, selfish you could say, but all humans have a degree of their selfishness...

i seemed to lack this, until i realise that friends were using the words "oh i know..... if you had time, you would have surely listened to me". i was like.. what??? was that supposed to be some guilt factor trick?

you never answered my calls to go out, or to hang out, and when you have problems that you need advise, you say that to me when I'm busy. and with work of all things.

i don't know if that's what you can call a friend....am i supposed to feel guilty in such a case???

while i was ill, in university, in a foreign land, dizzy with a headache, the people that went with me to that foreign land, the "friends", well, they said they weren't feeling well either, so the 3 of us went to the doctor which was at the other end of the university. we found out that we had to set an appointment which wasn't due for another hour, their illness being not so bad, they went back to the halls of residence, leaving me there alone...

luckily i had a friend who stayed near the clinic, and he let me use his room to rest... and after seeing the doctor, sick and dizzy as i was, i had to go back alone to my hall.... it was quite a distant.. my brother from another distant foreign land called to check on me.... nothing beats family...

but you know, when you are in a foreign land, friends are supposed to be your "family", guess i thought wrongly, or was too idealistic, i realised it quick enough though...

when one of those 2 same friends fell sick, i got bread and soup for her, fruits and medicine for her...... again, at that time i wasn't expecting anything, but i don't know... if that's what you can call a friend... i expected them to be at least independent.. but.... eventhough they were the eldest in their family, my expectation of them, on how to look after themselves and other people was too high. (I'm the youngest in my family by the way)

one of the same friend together with a different friend, not to long ago caused me to fall down a small flight of stairs. on my already previously injured ankle (it was a torn ligament), this fall resulted in tearing the ligament again.

given that it was an accident i didn't blame them, but the next day they pissed me off, they walked so far in front at the shopping mall, and when it was time to get the car, they didn't have the sense to ask me to wait at the entrance while they fetched the car, instead they suggested putting me in a shopping cart and pushing me to the car. the same other friend, recently asked me, how i injured my ankle...

when my boss asked me to claim for medical fees from these people, i told him its impossible, when i told friend 1 from foreign land that i went to see the doctor for my ankle, that friend didn't even bother to ask about fees, just asked how it was, and talked bout something else....

and upon the both of them finding out that it is a permanent injury, they again walked so far in front (with friend number 2 from foreign land) leaving me limping at the back. luckily i had another friend willing to walk with me slowly behind at both instances. (both were different friends)

so are those 3 what we call friends? i don't know.

the best of all, will require one post for himself...

but that said, i have some people i can call friends, although i guess they are all physically distant from me... is it the distance? and the minimal contact with me? that makes them the better listener? or that it makes them seem more caring?

even then, only one, seems to be there, the rest who are overseas don't even talk to me online, unless there is something, but when they do come back home, they do look me up to hang out.

and if i were to message them, i guess they would be there to listen.... but i don't know, even if i needed them, they can't be with me, cause of where they are... i guess you can call them friends, but, if they don't talk to me unless i talk to them... is that what i can call a friend? i don't know...

what are friends? what does it mean to be a friend? to always be there for people who won't be there for you?

all i want are just a few good friends, who will look me up, just to chat, share secrets, talk about life, gossip, laugh, have fun, share tears, share burdens, give each other sound advise, or just to sincerely listen....

that said.. i think i have two such friends... (though they are busy with their life, they still keep track of me, one used to call me every few months, according to him, its to check if i'm still alive haha, though now that he has a son, i understand he no longer has time for me.. the other.. is still okay, i can gripe to him about anything and he listens ever so patiently...) thank you to the both of them!

there is a silver lining in every cloud...

-ケイ-

It came, and went...

The Third of October

Like the summer rain fall,
It came without a call.

The third of October,
With autumn leaves a-flutter,
It was a day to remember.

Like a dream from many years,
the sands of time flowed,
your voice resonates against my ears,
an echo that could not be curbed,

but fate has decided
she shall play her card,
our paths once joined,
were easily removed,
the time spent was short,
but it is a memory,
I will readily carry.

though i think of you,
only on days when the rain falls,
when the sun refuses to shine through the clouds,
a small smile will play on my face,
as the world moves slowly at my pace.

i have grown through those years,
learnt to cherish what is dear,
and i shall sit here again next year,
by the window to watch the flowers,

and think fondly again of those days,
like a child handling a precious toy,
storing it away once more,
for this time again next year.

お誕生日おめでと劍さん

-夢見慧-